a bad day

Today is one of those days where I should have simply stayed in bed. I should have not gotten dressed, not showered, and canceled all of my plans. But I didn't. I woke up in a horrible mood and even after realizing this, things that normally wouldn't have bothered me as much just got under my skin. Like every little thing. My thoughts lined up like dominoes and one by one they crashed into each other, causing chaos, insecurities to scream through in my actions, my words, my entire being. I was a horrible person today. I was moody, short tempered, bitchy, hormonal, negative... Who is this person that takes over and wastes an entire day? Who is this person that is nothing but mean to someone who is a friend? I don't like her, I don't want her around.

I know why I was in such a bad mood. For one, I am falling for someone I shouldn't be but there isn't anything I want to do to change it. yes, I know what I can do, but I don't want to. I'm going to let this run the course it is on, good or bad, happy or heartbroken. It is a ball in motion and I have no idea where it will land. The other reason has to do with a friend, a very close friend now, who I met because there was an attraction, but didn't return those feelings. Or he did at one time and likes to pretend that he never did. He's getting back together with his ex, an ex who treated him horribly, but he likes to forget about all of this because he's in love. If love is such a great thing then why does it turn people into stupid, bumbling, idiots? It bothers me that, despite the fact that I no longer want to be his girlfriend, I want him to admit that he did at one point find me attractive, that I'm not repulsive, that I am worthy of affection and love. But he beats around the subject, won't admit that he did feel that way about me, even if only briefly. That is what I want. And he won't do that. He has no idea how much he truly hurt me, how much my self esteem that was being built up was ruined. He isn't the most attractive guy, he's a little overweight, and I'm not saying I'm a bombshell. I'm pretty and am trying to once and for all lose the extra weight I've been carrying around since I stopped doing sports in high school. He should know I'm self conscious, should know how I feel about my appearance because I HAVE SAID SUCH WORDS TO HIM. But no, he can be a space cadet, he can be self centered, he can drive me crazy because of our tangled history. So seeing him today, something that was supposed to be fun, turned into torture, me wanting him to just go away.  I told him we shouldn't talk for a month and then see if things are better. I think he thought I was joking but I wasn't. Not at all.

Here's to a better tomorrow. Here's to this week being over. Here's to a better day.