Dear life that I want,

I see you, off in the distance there, where I'm happy to go to work again, where I'm not dreading the text or phone call from the boss, where I feel appreciated, where I can be proud of the work I do. Weekends are something I desperately miss and will welcome you back with open arms. Saturday morning farmer's markets that I used to miss because I was tired, don't worry, I won't miss you anymore. Sunday brunch, oh, how I have missed you so. To enjoy a weekend's freedom again. I miss getting my hands dirty, talking to plants, singing to them, doing something that I believe is making a difference in the world. A positive influence on the natural world because right now, if anything, I am contributing to some of the negative. I want to not be so stressed, to relax, to be able to leave work at work. I miss camping and a set schedule. I want to take cooking and dance classes, but can't because my schedule is never really set. Sure, I'll miss health insurance, stability, but those things can be found again. I'm not so worried about that. I just want to be happy, to know that I'm trying to be who I want to be. Because this isn't cutting it. This isn't living. I'm not sure what this is, but all I feel is resentment, helplessness, sadness. I don't know if I have any been this stressed in my life, that I want days... months to come and go so that they are GONE! I know where I want to live, I just have to figure out the how to where I'm not a big bundle of stress.

Hope to meet you soon,
Maggie

Right? Right!

Welcome to Indian Summer in San Francisco. In the middle of September, when the areas I've lived in the longest (Florida and Indiana) are getting ready for cooler weather, for pumpkin patches, leaves changing colors and such, we are braving the world in flip flops and shorts. We will also get a chance to do this in the middle of January and that is one reason why I love the Bay Area. Love love love. I am once again in love with this city, like I was in the early months of my residency here. This is what love is maybe? First, there's the intensity and then you settle in, calm down, it all becomes routine until something happens and reminds you of just how amazing the one you love is.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of 4 house plants. That's right. Yesterday was quite the big day. I'm nesting, in the sense that I'm staying here for awhile, so I'm on my way with house plants, layers and more layers, and new things, like new shoes. My room is somewhat decorated, but I want to do more, make it really my own space and thus the decorating and plants.

 I think I do this every year and maybe this year will be the one to stick, but as my birthday approaches, I always want to lose weight. To wear some fabulous dress at my birthday dinner. As it turns out, it will be chilly and I'll probably be all bundled up on any birthday outing I have anyway, but we'll see. I have been making an effort to go grocery shopping more, to buy food that will help and not harm with this mission, and I've started my daily walk home again. I still have to do some things to the bike (lights, reflectors, figuring out how to make the wheels non quick release) and then I plan to start biking around. Specifically to work but also for fun. I go back and forth with wanting to run. I know it will be incredibly hard at first, suck and then suck a little more, but I don't see myself as a gym person. I went to a college that had a gym that was basically free for me to use (i.e. paid with fees/tuition) and and I went a few times and then gave up on it. I'm more much successful with exercise when its part of just daily life (walking home, riding a bike, hiking). When it doesn't feel like a chore then it works well.

Hard to believe I'm going to be 27 soon. Also hard to believe I'm living in a city, in California. I suppose in the end life just works itself out. But I do feel as though I need to make some move. Grad school? An internship to work in a native plant nursery and do restoration in a park? I don't know if being a writer is my dream job anymore or if working in a native plant nursery and doing restoration is. I do know that I don't want to work in an office, I would like to work outside a little more, I'd like to do something that feels as though it matters. But the internship to get the job would be a sacrifice. I've gotten used to actually having money. Not like I'm going on shopping sprees or anything, but I don't worry about it. I'm comfortable. This is nice. I can go visit my sister and her newborn baby and I can do it. I can plan trips and they feel attainable. I can buy new shoes or a new outfit when needed. Can I give that up for a few months to a year of skimping by on an intern's pay so I can hopefully get a regular job? I can, especially if its something I love.

Sigh. We'll see I suppose.

a bad day

Today is one of those days where I should have simply stayed in bed. I should have not gotten dressed, not showered, and canceled all of my plans. But I didn't. I woke up in a horrible mood and even after realizing this, things that normally wouldn't have bothered me as much just got under my skin. Like every little thing. My thoughts lined up like dominoes and one by one they crashed into each other, causing chaos, insecurities to scream through in my actions, my words, my entire being. I was a horrible person today. I was moody, short tempered, bitchy, hormonal, negative... Who is this person that takes over and wastes an entire day? Who is this person that is nothing but mean to someone who is a friend? I don't like her, I don't want her around.

I know why I was in such a bad mood. For one, I am falling for someone I shouldn't be but there isn't anything I want to do to change it. yes, I know what I can do, but I don't want to. I'm going to let this run the course it is on, good or bad, happy or heartbroken. It is a ball in motion and I have no idea where it will land. The other reason has to do with a friend, a very close friend now, who I met because there was an attraction, but didn't return those feelings. Or he did at one time and likes to pretend that he never did. He's getting back together with his ex, an ex who treated him horribly, but he likes to forget about all of this because he's in love. If love is such a great thing then why does it turn people into stupid, bumbling, idiots? It bothers me that, despite the fact that I no longer want to be his girlfriend, I want him to admit that he did at one point find me attractive, that I'm not repulsive, that I am worthy of affection and love. But he beats around the subject, won't admit that he did feel that way about me, even if only briefly. That is what I want. And he won't do that. He has no idea how much he truly hurt me, how much my self esteem that was being built up was ruined. He isn't the most attractive guy, he's a little overweight, and I'm not saying I'm a bombshell. I'm pretty and am trying to once and for all lose the extra weight I've been carrying around since I stopped doing sports in high school. He should know I'm self conscious, should know how I feel about my appearance because I HAVE SAID SUCH WORDS TO HIM. But no, he can be a space cadet, he can be self centered, he can drive me crazy because of our tangled history. So seeing him today, something that was supposed to be fun, turned into torture, me wanting him to just go away.  I told him we shouldn't talk for a month and then see if things are better. I think he thought I was joking but I wasn't. Not at all.

Here's to a better tomorrow. Here's to this week being over. Here's to a better day.

A little road somewhere... a little less of my heart

Some of my favorite songs have great opening lines. The title of this post, the first two lines in Jill Andrew's A Little Less. You and I Both by Jason Mraz starts off "Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me? Things are going to happen naturally."  Music is so much a part of my daily life. When I'm home, I'm listening to music. I always have my headphones in on the bus and most mornings I wake up with some song in my head. The store I work at has a pretty decent soundtrack and I have even broadened my music collection because of it. It only seems right that I would become friends with musicians. One of my closest friends in the Bay area is a drummer. He's a Reggae drummer who, when I first met, looked the part to a T. Long, scraggly beard, long curly hair. These days he runs around more closet cut, clean shaved and it makes me break out into a huge smile seeing him because his appearance doesn't affect how amazingly he plays or how he can make me laugh and cheer me up when I'm in a crappy mood. We became friends after my friend Jami and I attended one of his shows, a show where I danced my ass off more than I have since then. Although I enjoy being friends with the band and going to shows, going to the show of a friend is different. I feel as though I'm on display sometimes, that I can't fully relax and just enjoy the music, that I'm being watched just as much as I'm watching them. Interesting how identity and not just being a random person in a crowd makes us reconsider our movements.

But my, do I love going to shows. I love live music and like the idea of having my calendar filled with show dates and venues. At some point in my life, I want to travel around for a summer, going from festival to festival. Laughing, dancing, smoking, drinking and repeat. I can not explain the feeling of dancing, barefoot on grass or kicking up dirt and dust, or laying on a blanket and looking up at the bluest sky ever or a sky filled with stars, and listening to music, live music, shaking your core, touching the deepest part of your soul, to favorite songs, forgotten songs, or discovering music that will change your life forever, that will accompany your life for the rest of it, that will become your soundtrack, your favorite songs, your favorite moments...

There are certain songs that are so tied to specific events in my life that I can listen to a song and be instantly taken backwards; to a cold living room in Tallahassee, dueting with a bestfriend... or to nighttime in Palm Springs, riding shotgun in a Toyota Tacoma listening to the same two songs over and over again and singing at the top of our lungs. I could conjure up so many other memories like those, memories and friendships that I hope will be with me for years and years to come.

You Can Sleep While I Drive

Last night I had more fun than I've had in an incredibly long time.

Cars are amazing in that way, in the way that you can go from wandering around Pier 1 and then Bed, Bath, and Beyond and then you are on your way to the Pacific Ocean to have a few drinks with friends. A few Mojitos later, with the bar closing and a challenge to come back in a month to see if the bartender has silly straws, you leave and head across the street to raid on someone's bon fire. But as you get out of the car, the police are sweeping the parking lot, ticketing cars. So.. .then what? Then you drive to Pacifica, build your own fire on the beach, and watch the waves, the fire, and laugh and talk and have more fun then people should be allowed.

I'm not crazy about driving. I love road trips, I love being navigator, passenger, road trip DJ, car dancer extraordinaire, but driver I can leave... Having said that, I will be driving on Friday night to Redwood City to see a show. Driving anxiety has its reasons, reasons I have no desire to share with the entire world, or no one at all. But I do miss it on occasion. I don't miss the parking, insurance, responsibility, maintenance, etc. etc.

Midnight at the Movies

When I lived in Joshua Tree, I dated a man named Craig. At that point he wasn't quite a man, but a bit of a man child trying to figure out himself, but now he is full man with a real relationship he's fully committed to and a child (2 in fact). There are parts of me that remind the other parts of me that I couldn't have given him all of that stuff, the family, the stability he craved when I don't want children and stability is something I thought I wanted years ago but realize I may never quite except. Long story short: that was a difficult relationship. But! Here comes the whole point to this. We went to the movies a lot. We'd make a day out of it, drive down to Palm Springs and watch a movie, sometimes two. The theater we went to served beer and it was fairly cheap, but eventually we started bringing in our own supply. Those days are some of my favorite memories of my relationship with Craig and my life in the desert.

Since then I haven't really gone to the movies, at least not a every few weeks, let alone once a month. I went to the movies on Monday to see Crazy, Stupid, Love and remembered how much I enjoy going to the movies, the whole experience, and tomorrow I have another off day. I am contemplating going to another movie, using the fact that I wake up early to go see an early film and then spend the rest of the day in the sun. Not a bad day off. We'll see how my day actually turns out as I do have some errands to run (i.e. figuring out this whole 2 bike situation).

In other news, my sister had her baby today! I am going to visit my sister, brother in law, and now niece in mid October and I couldn't be more excited. There's a whole new person in the world and this renders me speechless. Humans are sometimes so interesting, the interactions we have with one another, society, laws, rules, perceptions... I am fumbling with all of this because of the keyboardist. What if the rules we set in place in our smaller social groups don't go along with that of the norm? Why do I over analyze EVERYTHING, why can't I just be, enjoy, do, repeat. In my last correspondence with him, he said we should talk before I go to one of his shows next weekend. Emails are not known for their ability to convey tone so does that mean...

1. "We should talk before next weekend" = we should talk seriously about the state of the world and our friendship
or 
2. "We should talk before next weekend" = we should catch up/I'd like to talk to you.

I suppose I will find out, but the whole thing that bothers me is that now I am looking forward to Tuesday when we're supposed to see each other. I need distractions until Tuesday so Tuesday is not all I Tuesday about. Tuesday.

This is me. This is how I think/react/feel. I'm not apologizing for it, but it is odd to put it down in this form, for others to read or not read, but either way... here it goes. 

26 going on 40

I feel emotionally immature. I have always been seen as more mature than my age, older than I am, wiser even, if you will. Maybe it isn’t that I’m emotionally immature, maybe it is that the people I have started being around more, one a former co-worker, another a musician friend I met recently, are 39 and 40, respectively. That is 14 years of life experience on me. 14 years of dealing with relationships, with people, with the world as an adult. I believe I’m justified in feeling immature, but I am trying to reconcile that there isn’t anything wrong with that. I am 26, I am living in a major city for the first time in my life, trying to figure out how relationships, friendships, acquaintances, how all of it honestly works. This is mostly difficult for me, or incredibly simple, because I believe in honesty; probably too much. I am also living in the after effects of the biggest relationship in my life, and I am trying to figure out how to not jump so head first into things. How to play games that humans think are necessary… I have never been the type of person to have a bunch of good friends. I have good friends and these people I have to warm up to or I just connect with. Mostly, no, all of my friends now are the latter. I meet people, there’s a connection - we’re instant friends. 

Normally I don’t have any issues with age. That is probably one reason why I’ve become friends with the people I have. Age is whatever; more important is the connection. My only fear is that I am trying to stop being 26, to act as though I have experiences that I don’t, knowledge that I don’t… and my bright eyed curiosity about the world is no longer endearing but damaging. 

I am far too difficult on myself though. If I were really emotionally immature these people would not talk to me, hang out with me, and pursue my friendship just as much as I pursue them. Sure, I have some things to learn still, but I think that is endearing.

an email that turned into something... bigger

Four years ago I applied for an environmental internship in the Southern California desert. It was supposed to be a break from school after graduation and before grad school. My big plan was to take that year off and then go into grad school somewhere to get my Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. Then, the plan was to teach and write, write and teach and live happily ever after. But, I fell so in love with that lifestyle, the community, the feeling of actually impacting and helping the world that humans, some other group of humans, impacted in such a negative way. I loved sleeping under the stars, rising with the sun, even the horrible wind storms, the way the heat was intense and it hung on every molecule in the air, but wasn't sweaty hot like Florida. I fell in love with the desert. So I found my way back, another internship, this time growing plants for Joshua Tree National Park. That experience was different, a different type of community, less camping and more drama. Ah, drama, I always seem to find it and somehow it seeps into my nice, happy life. In the end, I think all of the drama helps me to become the person I should be, whom I want to be, and less of the one I don't. After Joshua Tree I started traveling, trail work, and that whole community, sleeping under the stars, working with my hands, getting dirty and being happy beyond belief. That is what I think of when I think happy. The dirt, the community dinners, the stars, camping, even the rainy, cold days and nights, swinging tools, cutting down trees, building bridges, steps, improving or creating something for others to enjoy and also to protect the land.

But at the time, most of the time, I didn't realize i was happy. Hindsight casts a golden glow on everything. I also think that happy means so many different things and it can change daily, weekly. I am happy to be where I am. I am happy to not have real responsibilities, to sometimes just go about things where I don't really have to worry about anything. I'm healthy, young, capable, damn smart, even wittier than I am smart, and pretty fucking awesome (if I do say so myself). But this whole happy thing... I wonder if it is ever really attainable. I've been thinking about this whole "what am I going to do when I grow up" scenario for awhile, trying to figure out what will make me "happy" what will be fulfilling, satisfying, and terrifying as hell all in one. I think, I believe I will always be the same girl I was when I was 11, when I first started writing, when I spent the summer writing in my basement, writing the only full novel I've ever written and that is now lost forever. It was saved on 3 1/2 floppy disks, and one of those got corrupted or lost, or something. I would wake up, go downstairs in my pjs, and write all day. Not a care in the world, my mom or dad would open the door and tell me when food was ready, and eventually I would go upstairs, get dressed, eat, and go outside for awhile. I think that was happiness.

Do I need a Master's to write? No. Do I want to teach writing? Maybe? Will it be hard work to basically create a portfolio after not really writing for 4 years? Yes, yes, yes. I also think it will be worth it. But (there's always a but...) I think that I don't necessarily have to be that 11 year old. I think I can be someone else, just as I never thought I would work doing environmental work and trail work for 3 years, maybe in a year or a few months my life will be completely different. I'm not sure if I believe in there being a path, but I do think that things happen for a reason, that we aren't just floating along.

So, I will start writing again. Put together a portfolio, take the GRE, and apply to some graduate programs. What do I have to lose?

this life

April is quickly coming to a close, one more week and then it will be May. This year is flying by, as it seems time speeds up the older you get. One blink and you're in a completely different time, place, situation. But today, today has been a day of lounging around, contemplating, starting things (like cleaning my room) and stopping in the middle. I have had lots of thinking time today and also lots of vegging in front of the screen catching up on tv shows. Sometimes I need those days, as long as I use the other days in a good way I'll be just fine.

April is titled "Get Off Your Ass" month and I fear I haven't done the best job of that. But I am trying to figure out what I actually want to do, not based on someone else's suggestion or desire. What do I like? I like sitting outside, laying in the grass, reading, writing, thinking, having conversations about things that matter, listening, talking... in the recent months I have discovered that I like to talk. A lot.  I want hobbies, I want love, I want a meaningful life. I want meaningful work, but I also want to not be in debt, to live somewhere that makes me happy, to have an outdoor space, to have friends, to be able to go see live music and dance and laugh. I like hiking, camping, exploring, having adventures big and small. I like swings and the sun. Do I want to learn to play guitar? How about photography? Writing? I like drinking coffee, cooking, baking. But I also like laying in bed, watching tv episodes, thinking, looking out the window, spending days in a wasteful way because it helps me appreciate the busy days. But I never have busy days really. I never have days filled to the brim with activities. This life is fine, but what life do I want?

And then it was March

So much has happened since my last post in November. I moved off the couch and out of the living room of my friends and moved into my own room in an apartment I share with a nice couple and their two adorable dogs. I got a job, I still like said job although I wish I had benefits and got paid just a wee bit more. I am thankful for this job because despite the aforementioned, I can pay bills, save a little money, have fun, and am not breaking the bank. I met a drummer, gave him my heart after a game of dominoes, and then got it handed back to me a little worse for wear. He still wants to be my friend, but as a woman at work said, I am no back up plan.

Now, I have a good friend from Florida visiting and I am excited to show her the city I am in love with. So, I am making it in this city. I am getting the travel bug, the desire to visit the desert, to go camping for days in the middle of no where, to build something out of the earth to help others enjoy and appreciate the natural world, to run away and fall in love with some new and remote place.


Despite the distraction that the drummer boy caused, I am working on finding myself again, on figuring out who I am and want to be, where I want to be, what I want to do and I am once again coming to the idea of farming, of growing my own, of living off the land, living as responsibly as possible, writing, reading, listening to music, dancing, and continuing my love and worship of the sun. and mountains, air, water, rain, maybe even snow? While living in a city and not owning a car. Those are my desires, that is what I wish to do. I just have to figure out how. The how is always the hard part.

I have stopped drinking. Drinking was a crutch, something to bring out the social side, to hide behind, and I do not want to be that girl. I want to be brave in my own right, to have fun, to let go, to be able to do everything that I allowed drinking to allow me to do on my own. It has been more than a month now and I feel great. That is one thing that the drummer boy gave to me, the ability to be myself and not apologize or do stupid things with alcohol's help. Sure, at some point I will have a drink or two again, but I don't want to drink to get drunk, to forget, to do stupid things.

Other important updates:

I have started talking to my ex-boyfriend, Craig, the one I thought was the one, who now has a child... we are friends again and it is probably one of the healthiest, most grown up things I have done by becoming his friend again.

My sister is having a baby. Although my step bothers and sisters have children, this will be my sister's first child and I could not be more excited.  I'm going to visit after the baby's born, so sometime in September I think.

The one thing I do need to work on is finding more friends, more hobbies, more things to make myself smile and laugh and appreciate life.

Somehow, I have been living here for 4 months already. Time flies...