growing up, moving on, letting go

Over the past few years I've gotten close to people only to lose them. Friendships that have ended for one reason or another. Each time this happens, I reach backwards, trying to figure out what went wrong, when it went wrong, where... but mainly to try and reconnect, to assure I haven't lost that connection. There are people I can't quite remember their names, there are people I remember far too much about and sometimes still wish I could try and reach out to.

I believe it all started with Scott. I got into the habit of writing him long, rambling emails, getting out whatever I needed to and knowing it would be read by someone, even if he only replied with a sentence or two. Somewhere along the line I lost him, I think that was my fault. The awkward first meeting, the awkward realization of meeting someone you love in so many complicated and uncomplicated ways. So that became the coping mechanism I developed. I miss him still. I've tried to reach out over the years but nothing in reply. Despite my thinking about him the past few days, I am going to let him go. If he wanted to contact me he would.

The latest ones have been Craig and Blom. I just need to let go, to stop reaching out because obviously it is time to let go.

How do you change a part of you? Something you developed as you were developing into who you are?

Middle class problems

Poor me. I have to worry about having too many options. I have the luxury of getting to choose what I do next as opposed to being set on one path. I have the burden to choose, if nothing else that is how I feel right now. I have goals. How do I accomplish them? Do I sacrifice something (i.e. keeping my car for longer than I want to/getting a new car) so I can accomplish another goal? (i.e. paying off student loans). Do I not move to one of the most expensive cities in the world (San Francisco)... at least not right now? How about... I still really really really want a place of my own, but do I just make that my car? I can have a place of my own when I'm working and in between working I can make my car my place? How do I figure this out?

Ugh. I have no idea how to choose.

calendar girl

I have to define my goals:
-Pay off student loans
-travel

And then stick to them. It is the messy figuring out paying off student loans while working and living somewhere where I won't hate and will make me unhappy and then want to run that is... well... messy.

So! I have a semi calendar until September
June, July, Aug : work
Aug: find a job for mid-September
end of Aug - September: burning man!

Uh... yeah. We'll see how this goes.

dear neglected blog

I have to make a move. Where to? What to do? Where am I going? What is going on? Maybe it will help if I outline what I want.

• I want to sell my car.
  
• I want to move to San Francisco.
• I want a job I don't hate.
  
• I want to save money.
  

So maybe moving to San Francisco, a job I don't hate, and saving money don't go together. Maybe I can make it work.

Also: I want to go to Burning Man this year.