Really, I am. But today it is difficult, more than yesterday. I am cleaning and organizing, downsizing and now I reach the point where I am simply... frustrated. Frustrated at the hand I have been dealt. Frustrated that the walls in this house are empty, but that they are not my walls.
I feel stuck. Stuck as I will be here for another week and a half with nothing to do. Well, I will have things to do but no, not really. Things I have to invent to do. It is particularly my fault I'm stuck. I chose to continue to do the crew in Utah in September. Therefore, I can not start a job until October, so why look now? It makes sense but it doesn't. So yes, I am stuck but I stepped into the quick sand, knowing it would suck me back in.
I need something to occupy my mind. It was job hunting for awhile and then that faded when I realized I am looking too early. There are the other questions. Should I go ahead and book my ticket to San Francisco? Without a job? Or wait, until I get something? I am not quite sure.
I am unsure. I read this article, about 20 somethings, about how more and more are moving back home, taking longer to stabilize... like me. Like I am a case study, like I am just part of some growing movement, some second adolescence... Or first, in a way for me.
I am trying to let go. To let go of Scott, to let go of Craig, to let go of all of it, the past that doesn't matter that won't change.
So it does help to get this out, to no one. what is the difference between writing here and writing to someone, not expecting a reply? In the end, nothing I suppose. Nothing at all.
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