Over the past few years I've gotten close to people only to lose them. Friendships that have ended for one reason or another. Each time this happens, I reach backwards, trying to figure out what went wrong, when it went wrong, where... but mainly to try and reconnect, to assure I haven't lost that connection. There are people I can't quite remember their names, there are people I remember far too much about and sometimes still wish I could try and reach out to.
I believe it all started with Scott. I got into the habit of writing him long, rambling emails, getting out whatever I needed to and knowing it would be read by someone, even if he only replied with a sentence or two. Somewhere along the line I lost him, I think that was my fault. The awkward first meeting, the awkward realization of meeting someone you love in so many complicated and uncomplicated ways. So that became the coping mechanism I developed. I miss him still. I've tried to reach out over the years but nothing in reply. Despite my thinking about him the past few days, I am going to let him go. If he wanted to contact me he would.
The latest ones have been Craig and Blom. I just need to let go, to stop reaching out because obviously it is time to let go.
How do you change a part of you? Something you developed as you were developing into who you are?
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