Post Bus Debacle

I hope I am not self sabotaging. Yesterday I had an interview, that I am pretty sure I blew because I was late. Not like 5-10 minutes, but an hour. I wasn't nervous about the interview, I was nervous about getting there. My instinct was to just take a cab. Lesson 843 on how I should trust my instincts.

Instead of reliving the whole ordeal, I will instead try to stay positive and list the things I learned.
1. Public transportation isn't as tricky as I believe it is.
2. If you get off at the wrong bus stop the smartest thing to do is stay at that bus stop and wait for another bus, not to try to walk to where the transfer stop was.
3. Trust instincts.
4. That interview and that job were not the only interview and only job in San Francisco.
5. Talk to the bus drivers, they are there to help you.

I allowed myself to mope last night and this morning and then got right back at it applying for jobs. I have an interview tomorrow and a hopeful promo this weekend and next week. Cross your fingers, I need that promo.

So, the job hunt is going, the apartment hunt is going.

On a happier note, Jami and I ventured out Tuesday night to Open Mic night at this awesome bar, Amnesia. It is a dark, sexy place. With a great bar that had a $3 micro brew special until 8 or 9, can't remember. Definitely crowded, standing room, but worth it. I laughed until I cried. I expect to go back next Tuesday as well.

Soon I'm going to start making dinner, some sort of kale, chard, bean, rice scramble. Hippie mash strikes again! I've been cooking almost every night and have been loving it.

I think the Joshua Tree weekend is off, its supposed to rain in the park and camping in the rain isn't exactly fun. I am still tempted to go down for Thanksgiving to Palm Springs, but if I get that Promo then I'll be working that entire week. I hope I get that Promo, it sounds awesome.

Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise

In the Fall of 2007 I ventured into the Southern California desert to work on the land and find myself. I found myself, some of my closest friends, and some amazing great music. I attended the Joshua Tree Roots Music Festival and the last band on Sunday was the Avett BRothers; a band I hadn't heard of until that day. It was love at first sight, listen, feeling. I saw them in 2007, 2008, and 2009 but wasn't able to see them this year. Unless I can make it to Asheville, North Carolina for New Year's Eve I won't see them this year. But that's ok; there's always next year.

They are one of those bands I've listened to so much that I know the words without knowing I do and sometimes the right lyrics pop into my head at just the right situation. I've been having a great time until late last night, but after the help of a great friend, I feel in higher spirits today.

My goal for this coming week is to get an interview, if not a job. Tomorrow morning I am going to get up early, get dressed nicely, and go to temp agencies. We'll see how it goes. Tomorrow is also follow up day with places I've applied to, some in person, some by phone. Wish me luck.

Once I made Mixed Cd diaries and I think I should start that again. This song would be on it definitely.

Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise by the Avett Brothers



There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon you that’s flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what’s wrong and what’s right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
There’s a darkness upon me that’s flooded in light
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

The Great Sublet Hunt

I'll be honest. I'm 25 and a subletting virgin. I've rented apartments before, all during college but it was different. I had a car, I had a job (part time office work and being a student), and most importantly, student loans were paying for the apartment. I never had to worry about where rent was coming from, other added costs like utilities, food, etc. It was all covered. After college I lived with my Mom for a few months- rent free. Then, I did internships where housing was provided. After that, I traveled and worked, so housing was provided, even if it was just a tent. In between working I stayed on friend's couches, traveling the US. One of those such trips I ended up in San Francisco and fell in love with the city. So now, after not paying for rent for 3 years I'm back into that position.

Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy to be trying to find somewhere of my own again. A room that is truly mine and eventually I'd like an apartment of my own again. But it can be a bit stressful. I'd forgotten about the monthly rent check and rent in San Francisco is not cheap. Living with other people is a necessity and right now all of the people I know here are living in places and not planning on moving anytime soon. Of course, there are ups and downs to living with people you don't know. Probably more ups than living with people you know. No worries about ruining a friendship that hasn't started. You meet for a day, maybe have coffee or a drink, then they show you the apartment. It sounds simple but yet not. So that's where the sublet part comes in, not renting but a temporary stay.

I've been searching on craigslist and sent out some emails today. Or course, there are one or two places that I want to stay in and another two or three I would take, but would not be thrilled about. I'm trying to take things day by day, but this whole process, both the trying to find somewhere to live, trying to find work, it can get in the way of actually enjoying the place I am. I can have fun once I have a job/place/etc. But I should be having fun now. But I can't, because the thoughts of finding a place, finding work, blah blah blah, they don't stop.

I had the thought to go for a walk but now the sky is gloomy and gray and I am waiting to hear raindrops. I am trying to stay positive, to believe that if I ask for help I will receive it. I put off going to the dance school today and now I'm wishing I hadn't. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow. I have no other choice.

Enough about subletting.

Jami and I are looking for a show to go to this weekend. Live music! Live music is definitely on the list of why I moved to the city. We walked around last night, just walking to explore. I haven't done much of that by myself except for a short walk yesterday but am looking forward to doing more of it soon.

I am hoping I can make a trip to Southern California soon, to Palm Springs/Joshua Tree to visit old friends. It is a little bit of a wish right now with the job hunt but we'll see.

A week in the city as of today and all is well.

Early Sunday Morning

I woke up at about 4 am to the sound of rain. I've heard that winter in San Francisco is the "rainy season" which I am pretty much used to from the "rainy season" in Florida. We'll see how they differ. For one, I am happy I don't have to drive in the rain, but we'll see how happy I am with it with having to wait for buses in the rain. Most bus stops have covered areas, but all do not. I have an umbrella and a rain coat so I think I will survive.

Wow, that was a great  starting paragraph: let me tell you about the weather.

Anyway, yesterday I worked at the Green Festival. It was a promo job I found from craigslist. I signed up to do Server/Greeter but ended up mostly doing food prep. I was the wrap master! It was a long day, 8 am to 7 pm and we were all pretty delirious towards the end. I worked with a great group of people, one or two I might actually hang out with again. We have plans to grab a drink after work tonight, which I can totally afford to do since I'm making money. Until later tonight. Ha! I might see if they need help with anything tomorrow as well. We're the Taste A Thon booth, making awesome vegan/vegetarian food samplings and we can take some food home in addition to our payment. It would turn out to be an awesome discount on the great brands, so I might do that. I'm bringing a big bag with me today. Yesterday was pretty awesome. I came home and pretty much immediately went to sleep.

The only thing I need to work on now is finding more permanent work. I've applied to a bunch of stuff over the past few weeks and hope I will at least get an interview sometime soon. I should hear back on Monday about the Clean Water Action job, I hope I can get that at least until I find something a little more permanent.  I have looked a little bit into apartments, but I think I will hold off on that for a few more days.

I'm excited to call the city home and hope I can make it. I know I can, I just have to stay positive, save money, do what I can and everything will work out. I was hoping I'd be able to fall back asleep, I don't have to leave the house until 8:30ish but I don't think my body has quite adjusted to the time change. Exciting stuff, I know.

My first full day in San Francisco

Today I woke up pretty early, despite the sun not being up, despite the fact that I am in fact still very tired. My body, jet lagged and still running internally on Eastern Standard Time, thought it was time to wake up. So I did. I watched Great Expectations, a fitting tone for the start of a new journey. The apartment is cold but it is to be expected in November. I am excited for this new journey, even if I did struggle between my head (wanting to get up, get moving, explore the city) and my body (wanting to stay in bed, lounge around). So I compromised, I allowed myself the time to lounge and now I am ready to... do something. I am fortunate enough to have friends that are letting me stay with them for a few weeks. I am fortunate enough to have supportive friends and family. I am trying to stay positive.

At some point I will need to unpack, figure out what I actually have, what I'm lacking and start into the job hunt/apartment hunt. I will try to use this weekend wisely, job hunting the rest of the week (sending in resumes and cover letters, making a list of everywhere I've sent in something to and following up) and walking around, exploring. I have the entire weekend and I want to find something fun to do as well.

When I got in last night, Adam, Adam and Jami's friend, Hilda, and I went out to eat. We went to Herbivore - The Earthly Grill on Valencia. I had a very good sietan wrap, but I was very hungry so I'll have to try it again. It was pretty fairly priced, $7.50 for the wrap. Then we had ice cream at Xanath Ice Cream. They had a variety of non traditional flavors. I had the Saffron Ginger which was delicious, but after awhile a bit overwhelming in flavor and I only had one scoop. Not too badly priced for one scoop as well, I believe it was about 3 dollars. We came back to the apartment and I talked to Adam and Jami while they packed. They both left today, Adam to Alabama and New Orleans for a birthday celebration and Jami to Minnesota for a friend's wedding. I'm house sitting for them, which means I have the apartment to myself until Sunday evening. I think it'll be nice. I'll have the opportunity to get some alone time and concentrate on trying to find a job. It will be nice when they get back.

It feels as though I never really left, as though this is where I belong. I was having some pretty intense anxiety yesterday about the whole move, but now I'm glad I'm here. I just have to get a job! Or two, anything really.

I'm going to start updating regularly to chronicle this whole process: finding a job, finding a place, adjusting to life out here. I wish I had started back in Florida two weeks ago when I bought the plane ticket, but that would have just been filled with anxiety and I may have talked myself out of it. So here's to living in San Francisco!

an open letter to the universe

Dear Future Employer,

I look forward to the day when I am not constantly writing/editing/polishing/tweaking cover letters and resumes. Especially these past two weeks I feel as though that is all I have been doing. I am tired of trying to sell myself. Please just hire me. I'm awesome. I am a hard worker, I'm diligent. I can multi-task. I know how to answer a phone in a professional manner. I know how to write a letter, hence the tens of letters I've written over the past few weeks. I can use a computer- well. I can play around in PowerPoint. I can use Word and Excel. I can send an email. I can send mail. Really... being an administrative assistant isn't that difficult. So please, just give me a job in the area I want so I can no longer think about this whole process. I will do my very best to impress you beyond belief because I do not want to go through this process for quite some time.

Sincerely,
Awesome Woman Applying to Jobs

what is really going on

I never thought I'd get to a point in my life and wonder how I ended up here. Unfortunately, here I am. I am 25, soon to be 26 and I have no life plan, no goals, no direction. I have goals but I have no direction, no idea on how to get to them. I am unhappy and am not sure how long I've been unhappy. This year has been pretty intense: I lost my last grand parent, my dog, who I got when I was 12 died, the man I thought I loved... the man I did love, well he is having a child with some woman he met after me. What else? Besides the lack of direction, lack of ambition. Oh and I am fed up with my self consciousness which stems from my self image, which I can change. At least I can change the visible things that are wrong. But it is this vicious cycle of being depressed because I don't like the way I look and trying to work on it but getting frustrated and then getting depressed... add to that fun roundabout the fact that I lack motivation, that I have no idea how to accomplish just living somewhere. Oh yeah and I sold my car, so living outside of town isn't fun right now. So I need to move to a city, but I need a job to move. More fun.

Geeze, I feel great right now.

I wouldn't change a word

Lately I've been wondering if artists live the lives they do so they can create or if it is the other way around? People turn into artists because of the life they live? Writing is therapeutic, just as creating a painting, a song, trying to capture just the right scene in the space of a lens. I am beginning to write about the past three years. To sum it all up into whatever it was. It is always evolving, as am I. I am at the gap between living in water and on land. I am trying to figure out what my limits are, just how far I can really go. My god, it is frightening. But I want to write about it. I feel like I've forgotten how to write, but I think I just need to do and stop thinking so much. Sometimes it is not the act of writing but the sitting down, keyboard, fingers, brain and churning out sentences that are elementary at best, characters that are one sided, dialogue a pre-schooler could have scripted, to get to that part, the part I used to wake up in the middle of the night to write, the part I would dream up in the shower, while driving, while sitting in front of a screen writing because that was what I did everyday.

Now, after 3 years of new experiences, of lessons learned, of lessons not quite learned but experienced, I am ready to sit down, write a whole lot of bullshit to get to the meat, the tender, juicy parts. And hopefully, better metaphors.

I am trying to stay positive...

Really, I am. But today it is difficult, more than yesterday. I am cleaning and organizing, downsizing and now I reach the point where I am simply... frustrated. Frustrated at the hand I have been dealt. Frustrated that the walls in this house are empty, but that they are not my walls.

I feel stuck. Stuck as I will be here for another week and a half with nothing to do. Well, I will have things to do but no, not really. Things I have to invent to do. It is particularly my fault I'm stuck. I chose to continue to do the crew in Utah in September. Therefore, I can not start a job until October, so why look now? It makes sense but it doesn't. So yes, I am stuck but I stepped into the quick sand, knowing it would suck me back in.

I need something to occupy my mind. It was job hunting for awhile and then that faded when I realized I am looking too early. There are the other questions. Should I go ahead and book my ticket to San Francisco? Without a job? Or wait, until I get something? I am not quite sure.

I am unsure. I read this article, about 20 somethings, about how more and more are moving back home, taking longer to stabilize... like me. Like I am a case study, like I am just part of some growing movement, some second adolescence... Or first, in a way for me.

I am trying to let go. To let go of Scott, to let go of Craig, to let go of all of it, the past that doesn't matter that won't change.

So it does help to get this out, to no one. what is the difference between writing here and writing to someone, not expecting a reply? In the end, nothing I suppose. Nothing at all.

growing up, moving on, letting go

Over the past few years I've gotten close to people only to lose them. Friendships that have ended for one reason or another. Each time this happens, I reach backwards, trying to figure out what went wrong, when it went wrong, where... but mainly to try and reconnect, to assure I haven't lost that connection. There are people I can't quite remember their names, there are people I remember far too much about and sometimes still wish I could try and reach out to.

I believe it all started with Scott. I got into the habit of writing him long, rambling emails, getting out whatever I needed to and knowing it would be read by someone, even if he only replied with a sentence or two. Somewhere along the line I lost him, I think that was my fault. The awkward first meeting, the awkward realization of meeting someone you love in so many complicated and uncomplicated ways. So that became the coping mechanism I developed. I miss him still. I've tried to reach out over the years but nothing in reply. Despite my thinking about him the past few days, I am going to let him go. If he wanted to contact me he would.

The latest ones have been Craig and Blom. I just need to let go, to stop reaching out because obviously it is time to let go.

How do you change a part of you? Something you developed as you were developing into who you are?

Middle class problems

Poor me. I have to worry about having too many options. I have the luxury of getting to choose what I do next as opposed to being set on one path. I have the burden to choose, if nothing else that is how I feel right now. I have goals. How do I accomplish them? Do I sacrifice something (i.e. keeping my car for longer than I want to/getting a new car) so I can accomplish another goal? (i.e. paying off student loans). Do I not move to one of the most expensive cities in the world (San Francisco)... at least not right now? How about... I still really really really want a place of my own, but do I just make that my car? I can have a place of my own when I'm working and in between working I can make my car my place? How do I figure this out?

Ugh. I have no idea how to choose.

calendar girl

I have to define my goals:
-Pay off student loans
-travel

And then stick to them. It is the messy figuring out paying off student loans while working and living somewhere where I won't hate and will make me unhappy and then want to run that is... well... messy.

So! I have a semi calendar until September
June, July, Aug : work
Aug: find a job for mid-September
end of Aug - September: burning man!

Uh... yeah. We'll see how this goes.

dear neglected blog

I have to make a move. Where to? What to do? Where am I going? What is going on? Maybe it will help if I outline what I want.

• I want to sell my car.
  
• I want to move to San Francisco.
• I want a job I don't hate.
  
• I want to save money.
  

So maybe moving to San Francisco, a job I don't hate, and saving money don't go together. Maybe I can make it work.

Also: I want to go to Burning Man this year.