In the end today is just another day. I don't believe in God, so caring about the supposed day of Jesus' birth is pretty pointless. I put faith in nature and science. So Merry Christmas, but it feels just like any other day, or commercialized holiday to me.
I am sick, my sinuses have been pretty unhappy for a few days and the whole trouble breathing makes it hard for me to not get so down. I am trying to not see my life as a failure, but I have no ambition. What do I want to do? I still haven't figured that out. I know what I'm going to do for the next few months, but beyond that, I am still at a loss for what I want. I don't want to feel like a fuck up. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want this pressure that I am letting people down. Mostly myself. I want to be important to people, but I feel that I am less and less important to people as time goes by.
So on this Christmas morning the only thing I feel like doing is going running, which I am going to do after this post. I have this vision of me going running and it working out all of the tears, where I will just let it all out and maybe feel better. Let's hope so, I need something to make me feel better today.
12.25.2009
12.21.2009
a new day
Yesterday I was unemployed. Today I am not. Woot. Today I may have changed the course of my life, I may have changed my plans for the next year and beyond. I'm excited. I am still going to Arizona in February. I am still leading crews this summer, I just may have changed what I am doing afterwards. Wow. So life goes.
I am working back at the office, as full time as I can be, until the 2nd week of February, at which point I will drive back out West for the crew, for a WFR course in Flagstaff in late March, for some bumming around as I make my way north to Western training in May. Lead crews, then find my way back to the East coast and work for a few months setting up an office in Atlanta. Maybe I will work beyond a few months, maybe not. But I have somewhat plans, that are a little different from my other somewhat plans. And the idea of living in Atlanta, of working full time in an office, all of it doesn't scare me like it did last year.
I start work tomorrow, then will take Thursday and Friday off. Then will work Monday through Thursday of the next week. Then I will work full time, Monday Through Friday, 8 to 5/8:30 - 5:30 until I get ready to leave for the West again. I'm excited.
Sadly, this does put a damper on me walking everyday which means I need to figure out how/when I'm going to exercise now. Boo. But I'll figure that out. Maybe I can find a class to go to. I definitely need something. I'm ready to be happy about myself.
I am working back at the office, as full time as I can be, until the 2nd week of February, at which point I will drive back out West for the crew, for a WFR course in Flagstaff in late March, for some bumming around as I make my way north to Western training in May. Lead crews, then find my way back to the East coast and work for a few months setting up an office in Atlanta. Maybe I will work beyond a few months, maybe not. But I have somewhat plans, that are a little different from my other somewhat plans. And the idea of living in Atlanta, of working full time in an office, all of it doesn't scare me like it did last year.
I start work tomorrow, then will take Thursday and Friday off. Then will work Monday through Thursday of the next week. Then I will work full time, Monday Through Friday, 8 to 5/8:30 - 5:30 until I get ready to leave for the West again. I'm excited.
Sadly, this does put a damper on me walking everyday which means I need to figure out how/when I'm going to exercise now. Boo. But I'll figure that out. Maybe I can find a class to go to. I definitely need something. I'm ready to be happy about myself.
12.20.2009
motivation and the lack thereof
Here we go, again. I am seriously lacking motivation. Motivation to clean my room, which is an explosion of everything that was in my car, everything important to me. I am at my mother's house for a few months, until the middle of February in which case I have a crew out in Arizona. A short crew, but then I am hoping to take a WFR course in Flagstaff and then...? either fly back here and wait for the summer season or play around out West.
But I have to make it to February. And I have to get a job... which I haven't been extremely crazy proactive about. I've filled out a lot of applications, but I need to follow up on them next week/the week after. I have only been back for a week, so the fact that I don't have a job yet isn't that insane. But I am seriously lacking motivation.
I am also lacking motivation to get up and be active. My goal while being in Florida is to get myself in shape, body... as in exercising, being outside where I love to be, and figuring out what I want, independent of anyone else. But I have only had the motivation to veg out, mess around on the Internet, and nothing else really. I need a switch kick in the rear. It does help that I have hung out with friends, had great times with them, which made me reconsider why I'm so eager to leave this place. But I think I know what it is. Maybe. Tallahassee is a great place to live but I don't think I'm ready to settle down here. I think I would much rather keep up the traveling for awhile. I want a like that is a little less ordinary than working in an office, then all of that. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone out West, that it would be easier to be the person I was before. But I have to deal with this complex idea of trying to continue to grow into the person I want to be while in a less than ideal situation.
Maybe people aren't supposed to get along with their families. It is a weird combination of people that are so much like you, that are a lot of the reason that you are who you are, and dealing with that and trying to change their view of you in their eyes. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest so everyone thinks they have to give me advice. I don't want your advice. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to show you more of me, of the me my friends see, but when I do I get negative reactions so I don't. So difficult. I am tired of being two people, I want to be just the one awesome me for everyone to see.
Of course, there are all of the Craig issues swirling around in my head too. Seeing him in November, being his friend again, and everything else left me with the thought of not exactly being in love with him anymore, or at least there isn't that urgency anymore. He isn't ready for me, but that is fine. So I left not really knowing how I felt about him. But then later, on the other side of the country as him, I realized that it was all bullshit, that I still love him and miss him and everything else. So what do I do with that? A whole lot of nothing I believe, because he isn't ready. I have to concentrate on being his friend, on our personal bond strengthening so that if he is ready and I'm still ready for him then something could possibly happen. But we're both at these crossroads in our lives. He's going to be 28 in the Spring and more than likely won't be leading crew again. I am 25, as of 10 days ago and have a pseudo plan for my life for the next year or two, but it is all very much up in the air still. I think Emilie may be right, I do need someone else to distract me from these feelings for him. But I think that person may just be myself. Myself concentrating on getting into the best shape I've been in since I was 16... which is almost 10 years ago. Wow. How is that for reality?
And on that note, I am getting my sorry ass outside, like 5 seconds ago.
But I have to make it to February. And I have to get a job... which I haven't been extremely crazy proactive about. I've filled out a lot of applications, but I need to follow up on them next week/the week after. I have only been back for a week, so the fact that I don't have a job yet isn't that insane. But I am seriously lacking motivation.
I am also lacking motivation to get up and be active. My goal while being in Florida is to get myself in shape, body... as in exercising, being outside where I love to be, and figuring out what I want, independent of anyone else. But I have only had the motivation to veg out, mess around on the Internet, and nothing else really. I need a switch kick in the rear. It does help that I have hung out with friends, had great times with them, which made me reconsider why I'm so eager to leave this place. But I think I know what it is. Maybe. Tallahassee is a great place to live but I don't think I'm ready to settle down here. I think I would much rather keep up the traveling for awhile. I want a like that is a little less ordinary than working in an office, then all of that. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone out West, that it would be easier to be the person I was before. But I have to deal with this complex idea of trying to continue to grow into the person I want to be while in a less than ideal situation.
Maybe people aren't supposed to get along with their families. It is a weird combination of people that are so much like you, that are a lot of the reason that you are who you are, and dealing with that and trying to change their view of you in their eyes. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest so everyone thinks they have to give me advice. I don't want your advice. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to show you more of me, of the me my friends see, but when I do I get negative reactions so I don't. So difficult. I am tired of being two people, I want to be just the one awesome me for everyone to see.
Of course, there are all of the Craig issues swirling around in my head too. Seeing him in November, being his friend again, and everything else left me with the thought of not exactly being in love with him anymore, or at least there isn't that urgency anymore. He isn't ready for me, but that is fine. So I left not really knowing how I felt about him. But then later, on the other side of the country as him, I realized that it was all bullshit, that I still love him and miss him and everything else. So what do I do with that? A whole lot of nothing I believe, because he isn't ready. I have to concentrate on being his friend, on our personal bond strengthening so that if he is ready and I'm still ready for him then something could possibly happen. But we're both at these crossroads in our lives. He's going to be 28 in the Spring and more than likely won't be leading crew again. I am 25, as of 10 days ago and have a pseudo plan for my life for the next year or two, but it is all very much up in the air still. I think Emilie may be right, I do need someone else to distract me from these feelings for him. But I think that person may just be myself. Myself concentrating on getting into the best shape I've been in since I was 16... which is almost 10 years ago. Wow. How is that for reality?
And on that note, I am getting my sorry ass outside, like 5 seconds ago.
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