Almost a month has gone by since my last post. Time goes by quickly. Either way, here I am again. My insecurities are getting the best of me tonight. There are many things to explain but I don't feel like going over it. In short: Craig and I are seeing each other, we're dating, we're involved, he's my boyfriend, etc. etc. etc. But I am scared. I am waiting for the ground to fall out from underneath me. Whatever this is, I don't want to think about it. It is somewhat insane, since neither one of us knows where we'll be in August. But right now, right now I am content. Right now in the general sense, not right now as I type this. But as my friend Bill said the other day, right now is all I have. So we are giving it a go, this whole 'us' thing that is occurring. I'm stoked about it, but I am also afraid. And he knows this and is being amazing. So we are riding this train and right now the path is still foggy. Craig gave this great canoe, with the paddles in the water, and a fog surrounding us analogy. The sun will burn off the fog and we will have to see what is ahead of us. Eventually. Right now we are enjoying the breeze on the lake, or ocean, or river, or pond in the midst of a giant whirlpool.
I am just insecure right now, but I shouldn't be. He was honest, he was forth coming, he cared enough and respected me enough to talk about it. So there isn't anything for me to worry about. I just have to not think so much. There in lies the problem. Over thinking. I want to be confident that what he says is true. But I am scared. And he knows this.
Otherwise, I am wasting time until my days off. Wasting time until he gets back in town. Wasting time. Then May comes and probably before May we will have to address what's outside the fog. But right now, right now the fog is fine.
Blah blah blah. Maybe I am at a disadvantage because he is part of the reason I am here now. To see how things go when we give it a go. So my being out here, despite my unhappiness with the job, is worth it. However it turns out. Because I'm a jumper, it is what I do, and I either land on my face or my feet, or maybe a bit on my knees with one hand down. Maybe he'll be at the bottom to catch that one hand and help me up.
I miss writing. Like writing stories. I haven't written anything really good in quite awhile. That should change, but we'll see. Hopefully sleep won't take too long to come tonight, I'm not sure I could take it if it could.
