Yesterday was a hell of a day. I had a panic attack, or something like it, while bouldering yesterday. We did a really hard hike up a wash, which was mainly bouldering on huge boulders, jumping and climbing from one to another. I've done this sort of things before, I'd even say I like doing it on a small scale. But for some reason, yesterday I freaked. It was really hard, harder than I'd ever done before and we were pretty high up. I had possibly one of the worst days of my life yesterday and I am physically and mentally exhausted. My back, knees, shins, hands, and arms are sore. Mentally I am numb. I am already normally slow with bouldering, but yesterday I was even slower because it was even harder. We got back to the car just before dark and then got the Tahoe stuck as we were leaving. Really? So we got back around 7:30 last night.

So I think this whole experience, we being weak, being the last one, the slow one, the one that just can't handle it and ends up breaking down is something that I might not be able to get over. Ever. It might just be a character flaw that I can't let go of. Hopefully, I can work through this, really commit to getting in better shape. I'm 24, I shouldn't still feel like I'm 13, but yesterday I did. I hope there are parts of me that are the same, but these things, my mental, emotional, physical weaknesses, I wish I coudl conquer them somehow. I hope I can really get over this now. Like starting today or whenever I start to feel better.

Mike still isn't talking to me. He said he can't handle talking right now but damnit, I need him right now. Just as my best friend, forgetting everything that was said last week. I feel as though I am losing him, just like I lost Andrew. Maybe life is just about losing people, I feel like I've lost so many. But possibly, my problem is that I care more about people than they care about me, so losing me isn't as big of a deal.