Baby Blue Sedan by Modest Mouse... one of those songs that reminds one of how much they love a band they haven't listened to in awhile. I always lose sight of the Mouse (as I like to call them) while I'm discovering new music. But yesterday, on a long drive back from exploring a new area of the park, this song came on random on the driver's iPod and I heard "and I miss you when you're around" "I'm lonesome when you're around" "I'm not lonesome by myself" and sadly, or just honestly, I think this song sums up my feelings right now. I'm lonely this morning, feeling emotionally sick which has led to a bit of physical, pit of my stomach loneliness aching, which only seems to get worse around people. And I'm not even around the person I miss. Or rather don't miss anymore. I miss the old person, the one that I thought was someone else. But I'm lonely here, despite the fact that I am often surrounded by people. Despite the fact that I could go hiking this morning and hang out in the park, I still could go, they aren't meeting for another 15 minutes. But, I'm stuck in bed feeling sorry for myself.
I had been feeling better. And then new details came in, more information to widen the chasm of feeling like shit. Maybe in a few years I won't remember what I'm being so vague about. That would be nice. maybe maybe maybe.
So I'm in bed. Feeling sorry for myself in this messy apartment. Sometime today I have to get up, go to the store, buy some food, get some gas. Stop feeling sorry for myself, clean this place. Find positions to apply for. Start on my resume. I think I will feel better about being here once I have somewhere else to go. Isn't that sad? I hope my entire life won't be this way, me messing things up and then just not wanting to be in a place for awhile. Just wanting to run away to the next thing, searching for unattainable happiness with a change of scenery.
Damn, this hurts.
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