Fumbling

I need a distraction. Normally, this distraction comes in the form of travel. A vacation, some time to sit and think, to write, to let out whatever I've been holding inside and going over and over and over... and over again in my mind. I torture myself with thoughts, words, mental flashbacks, voices. I replay and change and consider and and and. I am a mouse running on a wheel and just wish there was a good way to slow down the wheel or change it into a beautiful day in the woods, hiking. Sometimes, for short periods of time, a month, maybe two, I can change it into a leisurely walk, something I enjoy and I look around and notice not so much about myself but so much about others. When I don't focus so inward, I find I am happy. It is when I am torturing myself with myself that I get sad. But, I need to focus inward to find that place where I have enough confidence, know my self worth enough, know how awesome and amazing I can be, before I can focus outward and love the world. So, the battle continues.

Right now, I need distraction. I need to feel comfortable around people again. I don't right now. Instead, I feel self conscious. I feel as though everyone who knows is pitying me. The reality is probably that I'm pitying myself. So I need to get out of this. I need to do something fun, something different, something new. With new and different people, so I can find some way out of this horrible bed I've made for myself. Then I can come back and enjoy the rest of my stay here. Oh, double edged swords.

I am attempting to regain myself. The person I need to love more than anything else in this world because, when it comes down to it, I am the only person who can love me as much as I need. I need a lot of love. Sure, everyone does... but maybe everyone doesn't. I need a lot of love in the sense that I do have the unfortunate habit of judging myself on others. I am dependent. But people come and go, the only person who stays around is me. (and the ghosts in my soul) But even the ghosts come and go. So I need to give myself enough love so that when the levels of love obtained from others falters and fluctuates I still have enough to keep a smile on my face and an even head.

So far, 24 has proven to be a hell of a year.