I am...

I have nothing of importance to write about. I have nothing new or exciting or fun going on. I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely after having someone to sleep next to for the past week. I am restless. I am filled with wanderlust and dread. I am upset with myself. I am trapped. I am trapping myself. I am stupidly doing things I know I shouldn't. I am a wreck. I am lazy and fat. I am self deprecating. I am self destructive. I am involved with Craig again and we don't think it is going anywhere because of our mutual open futures. I am trying to be okay with this because I see it as clearly as ever. I am trying to protect myself. I am trying. I am not very good at anything anymore. I am avoiding and it sucks. Blah.

I feel better after talking to Mike. He isn't in love with me. Which is fine. It was a nice idea that someone that knows me as well as he does could love me, but no. It did feel nice to have him say the things he did to me, but they were under the influence of hallucinogens. Oh well. So it goes. Now I move onward. So I'm not losing him as a friend, but I might for a very short while as he beats himself up for saying what he did. Which he knows he doesn't feel that way. I think I actually feel better that he isn't in love with me, because that is scary. This way, I'm not gaining a boyfriend... something that I honestly think I don't need right now. I think I need to get happy with myself, gain some confidence, get into my own skin before I try to get next to someone else's. Focus on myself, not on someone else.

So I feel better, after talking to him about yesterday and last week. That is why he is my best friend, I can talk to him about anything and feel better in the end. So now I will, as I always do after getting advice from Mike, figure out what to take with a grain of salt and what to take to heart.

I'm nervous about hanging out socially with the people from work again. Tomorrow is one of our friend's birthdays and our Friday at work so he's going to have a party at his house. I figure B&W will be there and that will be my first social interaction with them as a couple. I will not make a fool of myself. I will have fun and not get too drunk. Everything will be fine. Right? Right.

Also, I feel motivated to get off my ass and do things. So I'm working on my mix and hoping to send it out today along with my sister and brother-in-law's birthday presents. I need to clean up. Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to be okay, I'll be just alright.

Yesterday was a hell of a day. I had a panic attack, or something like it, while bouldering yesterday. We did a really hard hike up a wash, which was mainly bouldering on huge boulders, jumping and climbing from one to another. I've done this sort of things before, I'd even say I like doing it on a small scale. But for some reason, yesterday I freaked. It was really hard, harder than I'd ever done before and we were pretty high up. I had possibly one of the worst days of my life yesterday and I am physically and mentally exhausted. My back, knees, shins, hands, and arms are sore. Mentally I am numb. I am already normally slow with bouldering, but yesterday I was even slower because it was even harder. We got back to the car just before dark and then got the Tahoe stuck as we were leaving. Really? So we got back around 7:30 last night.

So I think this whole experience, we being weak, being the last one, the slow one, the one that just can't handle it and ends up breaking down is something that I might not be able to get over. Ever. It might just be a character flaw that I can't let go of. Hopefully, I can work through this, really commit to getting in better shape. I'm 24, I shouldn't still feel like I'm 13, but yesterday I did. I hope there are parts of me that are the same, but these things, my mental, emotional, physical weaknesses, I wish I coudl conquer them somehow. I hope I can really get over this now. Like starting today or whenever I start to feel better.

Mike still isn't talking to me. He said he can't handle talking right now but damnit, I need him right now. Just as my best friend, forgetting everything that was said last week. I feel as though I am losing him, just like I lost Andrew. Maybe life is just about losing people, I feel like I've lost so many. But possibly, my problem is that I care more about people than they care about me, so losing me isn't as big of a deal.

I hope I'm not losing my best friend. It kind of feels that way right now. Things get complicated, by our own hands or by others but right now I am living off Mike's recent confession that he's in love with me. But he was on mushrooms, so maybe not everything he said he really feels. So I have no idea where we stand right now but I feel insecure and scared. I don't want to lose my best friend, but I feel as though it is already happening. As though he's slipping away because you can't very well talk to your best friend about being in love with them, or not and just being out of your head and letting it come out. So I feel distanced from him and that's not really what I need right now. So what do I do? Do I give him some space, let him clear out his head, resolve his head and heart discrepancies and just let him contact me when ready? Do I back off and just let it go? I think I need to just back away, but I always want my best friend. So how do I combine these two things? I have no idea. Either way, I'm going to not be sad today, or I'll try to at least.

Of Minerals and Men

This weekend I went to a gem show. That's right, I get more hippy everyday. I like it that way. So, there is this town in Arizona, Quartzsite where people go to have this kind of semi permanent gem show. They sell jewelry, antiques, rocks, gems, minerals, crystals... you get the deal. Its this weird combination of snow birds and hippies. So we immersed ourselves in this community. I met some interesting people. It was a weird experience that I am still piecing back together but so much good came out of it. I'm piecing back together the very real experience I had that very short time, which seemed much longer, and the me that wants to analyze everything. Right now, I don't want to analyze anything. I just want to experience and accept and talk and laugh and play and stay up all night to watch the sun rise and the sky change.

I met one guy, Wade, who'd gotten into napping (stones... making arrowheads) and decided to take a month and go to this place where some of the best nappers in the country would be. Wow. I'm inspired. We stayed up all night and watched the sun come up. He gave me an arrowhead when we left, one that he'd made the day before. I think the gravity of this gesture speaks for itself. I was holding it the entire car ride home and it became so light, almost like part of my hand. I forgot it was in there and I dropped and broke it when I got home. Jami is going to wire wrap it for me after I glue it back together since it only broke into 3 pieces.

I feel so much better after leaving and going to experience something more. There is so much I left out but there's too much to type and explain. So I leave it up to being exactly what I needed.

small town life

I'm not living some glamorous, flashy life in a big city. By glamorous and flashy I of course mean going out to bars, walking down city blocks with groups of friends, going to concerts... even concerts of little known bands playing in small, empty clubs, small, crowded places with low lights and interesting characters. Sometimes, I can imagine myself in that life. Meeting and dating guys, going through seasons in a place that has more concrete than green lawns or pale, dusty dirt. Even Tallahassee, with its bars and hang outs. But right now, I am living in a place with a few bars, most of them not great. Not any that I can walk to. The one cool bar is out in the middle of nowhere, quite literally, it is a drive to get up there. I think that is just a sign of this place. I like it, but I don't love it. Hanging out at people's houses is nice, but more and more I want to go hang out at a bar, or a good restaurant, instead of someone's house. Tonight, and the past few weeks, I have been having that feeling. Especially after hanging out in Palm Springs for awhile. I miss meeting new people, as crazy as that sounds from someone who is more introverted than anything else. I just feel stagnant in my social life right now. Small towns such as these, I have learned, are not where I want to be. Everyone knows everyone, therefore everyone knows everyone's business. Not fun. So it goes.

Tonight I'm going to a pot luck, with people I work with and hang out with ALL OF THE TIME. Seriously, having friends at work and hanging out with people that you work with ALL OF THE TIME is not ideal. At least not for me. It is different than being on a crew and living and working with people and that is your community. That is your life. But this, this office work with the gossip and the talk and the inbreeding/inter dating... my god. I'm tired of it. Almost four months in and I have learned that I need a town bigger than this one.

We shall see what I decide about tomorrow. Some people are going to a gem show. Some are camping, possibly one is not. It would be nice to not camp and just go for the day. It would also be nice to go hiking and see a movie and then hang out with John and friends in Palm Springs. But, I think I need to back off on that front. We are friends and that is nice, but he has this life separate from work. Which is kind of what I'm getting at I think. I need a life separate from work. One with people that I hang out with that I don't also work with and hang out with every single weekend.

Maybe I'll find something good to do this weekend. Maybe I'll be spontaneous and go somewhere. Maybe maybe maybe. No more holding myself back.

So it goes.

I have gotten into the habit of taking unusually long showers, hot hot hot water, almost to the point where I can't stand it. I think I am trying to wash away this funk, to rinse out myself and be able to feel normal again. So far, it hasn't worked.

Recently, I have been finding/ being introduced to a bunch of artists. The Airborne Toxic Event is one band that I love right now. I think the whole introduction to them, their lyrics, their music.. all of it is just perfect for me right now. The perfect band for this time in my life.

"I'm trying madly to calm these nerves with something new"... and that is what I've been trying to do.

Also, Bon Iver... which has this eerie, resonating, haunting sound. Very fitting for their name, "Good Winter"... bon hiver, but the h was dropped. It almost reminds me of something that should be sung by people wearing hideous robes in a church. Almost.

I had an interview this morning over the phone for a crew leading position over the summer. We'll see in a week or so if I got it. It was an interesting interview to say the least, good but as I'm so self conscious right now, I don't want to give myself too much hope just yet.

I had a good conversation last night with Blom. I had a good chat this morning with Stew. Tomorrow I think I will talk to Anna and Emilie. I had wanted to go hiking today, but then started cleaning the apartment (not yet done... urg), and started on a mix for a friend's birthday in a few days... well a week or so. Already January is flying by. Thus time moves, slowly and quickly and fluidly and with halts and stops and speed bumps. So it goes.

I need some time away from here. I need to regroup with people I love and am comfortable around. So I'm working on that. I need to rebuild my confidence. So a vacation is being planned. Hopefully sooner than later. I'm thinking that by February I should be able to buy a plane ticket to Florida. We shall see.

So it goes. I have been creatively wasting the day away. There's a pot luck tonight, but I'm uncertain as to whether or not I'm going to go. I have been excluding myself from events because of the awkwardness/discomfort I feel.

Blah blah blah.

Fumbling

I need a distraction. Normally, this distraction comes in the form of travel. A vacation, some time to sit and think, to write, to let out whatever I've been holding inside and going over and over and over... and over again in my mind. I torture myself with thoughts, words, mental flashbacks, voices. I replay and change and consider and and and. I am a mouse running on a wheel and just wish there was a good way to slow down the wheel or change it into a beautiful day in the woods, hiking. Sometimes, for short periods of time, a month, maybe two, I can change it into a leisurely walk, something I enjoy and I look around and notice not so much about myself but so much about others. When I don't focus so inward, I find I am happy. It is when I am torturing myself with myself that I get sad. But, I need to focus inward to find that place where I have enough confidence, know my self worth enough, know how awesome and amazing I can be, before I can focus outward and love the world. So, the battle continues.

Right now, I need distraction. I need to feel comfortable around people again. I don't right now. Instead, I feel self conscious. I feel as though everyone who knows is pitying me. The reality is probably that I'm pitying myself. So I need to get out of this. I need to do something fun, something different, something new. With new and different people, so I can find some way out of this horrible bed I've made for myself. Then I can come back and enjoy the rest of my stay here. Oh, double edged swords.

I am attempting to regain myself. The person I need to love more than anything else in this world because, when it comes down to it, I am the only person who can love me as much as I need. I need a lot of love. Sure, everyone does... but maybe everyone doesn't. I need a lot of love in the sense that I do have the unfortunate habit of judging myself on others. I am dependent. But people come and go, the only person who stays around is me. (and the ghosts in my soul) But even the ghosts come and go. So I need to give myself enough love so that when the levels of love obtained from others falters and fluctuates I still have enough to keep a smile on my face and an even head.

So far, 24 has proven to be a hell of a year.

The 2 H's

Hooking up and hanging out doesn't exactly constitute a relationship. In fact, these two events probably mean that you aren't in a relationship at all. Sure, these two things can be loads of fun but not when mixed with a girl (I still feel funny calling myself a woman, despite my 24 years and obvious womanliness) with a heart that is a little too open and a little too big. I'm always reminded of what a friend of mine said years ago... something along the lines of my heart being too big and that if I gave have away I might have a normal sized one.

Ah, the details keep rolling in. So I talked to her today, the "other woman" if you will, or the one who he just connects with more. Let's remember folks, I'm wonderful, but he found someone he connects with more, on more levels, etc. etc. Of course she didn't know. It was nice of her to call and want to talk to me about things. It doesn't help. Couldn't she be a complete bitch? Wouldn't that make things easier on me? After all, I am just an intern, so I'll be leaving soon enough. It is much easier to be childish and petty at times like these then to except the facts. That things aren't always black and white. That although I over reacted, I am not the ass here. He is. Fact: I will be okay.

People say not to hook up with/get involved with anyone from work. But sure, you think you're the exception to that rule. No. Nope. Not at all. So really, this advice is warranted. This advice, is probably some of the most truthful and honest anyone can ever impact. Because when things don't work out you still have to see that person at the place where you are 10 hours a day Monday through Thursday. When things don't work out and you live in a small town and only mainly hang out with people from work... well everyone knows. Small towns = loose lips. Its like the game of telephone you play as a kid, but its worse because this is your life, not something silly about hats and peanut butter? Where did peanut butter get into the story?

My, some learning experiences have to come with horrible prices. I don't think there is anything else that will build on top of this short story in the novel of my life. Besides the getting over, the getting over all of this that I thought I got over but didn't really because key factors, i.e. key players weren't around. So this will be a very interesting week at work.

But! There is a silver lining (as there always are) very soon... probably on Friday I will have a phone interview for a Summer crew leader position. Cross your fingers, eyes, toes, and knees that it goes well and I get a second interview. I am also keeping my options open and working on a resume to apply for some other jobs, Seasonal positions at various spots in the West.

And, my god, do I have some awesome friends. I really don't know what I'd do without them.

post pajama time

Ever go to a concert, a concert you've been wanting to go to for months, and it just isn't what you expected? What you'd been looking forward to? The music is good, it just isn't as mind blowing as the first time you heard it. The crowd isn't dancing, but its a crowded, uncomfortable place now, no forced dancing because you just have to dance. And weeks later, your piece the night back together to find a night that turned out to be the night the guy you thought you were dating hooked up with the girl that he is currently dating. The night that the ever elusive "something" changed between them. The night you picked up on something, but ignored it. Because when you have affection for someone, you ignore things.

So now, you're sitting in your pajamas, well past noon, well past the time to be sitting in pjs in a dirty apartment... you need to take the garbage out, but in order to do that you feel as though you should put clothes on. It is, afterall well past pajama time. You need to wash dishes and go to the grocery store. You need to fold clothes, hang them up. You need to do all of these things... work on a resume, brush your teeth, but the desire is gone. The only thing left is a ball in the pit of your stomach, a ball of hurt and emptyness and you just feel naive and stupid. But hurt, my god are you hurt. Pain brings out the best and worst in people and right now, you switch between wanting to laydown on the couch and watch tv, or continue to goof around on the internet, just listen to music and wasting your day away... then there's that rush of motivation, that desire to get everything on any to do list you've ever made accomplished. Now. NOW.

I'm lonesome when you're around

Baby Blue Sedan by Modest Mouse... one of those songs that reminds one of how much they love a band they haven't listened to in awhile. I always lose sight of the Mouse (as I like to call them) while I'm discovering new music. But yesterday, on a long drive back from exploring a new area of the park, this song came on random on the driver's iPod and I heard "and I miss you when you're around" "I'm lonesome when you're around" "I'm not lonesome by myself" and sadly, or just honestly, I think this song sums up my feelings right now. I'm lonely this morning, feeling emotionally sick which has led to a bit of physical, pit of my stomach loneliness aching, which only seems to get worse around people. And I'm not even around the person I miss. Or rather don't miss anymore. I miss the old person, the one that I thought was someone else. But I'm lonely here, despite the fact that I am often surrounded by people. Despite the fact that I could go hiking this morning and hang out in the park, I still could go, they aren't meeting for another 15 minutes. But, I'm stuck in bed feeling sorry for myself.

I had been feeling better. And then new details came in, more information to widen the chasm of feeling like shit. Maybe in a few years I won't remember what I'm being so vague about. That would be nice. maybe maybe maybe.

So I'm in bed. Feeling sorry for myself in this messy apartment. Sometime today I have to get up, go to the store, buy some food, get some gas. Stop feeling sorry for myself, clean this place. Find positions to apply for. Start on my resume. I think I will feel better about being here once I have somewhere else to go. Isn't that sad? I hope my entire life won't be this way, me messing things up and then just not wanting to be in a place for awhile. Just wanting to run away to the next thing, searching for unattainable happiness with a change of scenery.

Damn, this hurts.

sometimes the hardest thing is too many options

So much can happen in a week. Or two months. Or a day, an hour even. My point here is that things change, dramatically, instantly. bam. I have gone through some highs and some lows in the past 2 months and now am trying to pull myself out of the latest low. This last low was good for me. It was very grounding (no pun intended) and I realized a lot about myself, my newly year older self. 24. 24 freaked out my best friend Karin but not me. I see myself on the verge of something else, something better, new.

Last night, after midnight festivities I was laying on a couch and overheard a conversation between a couple. It was endearing and very comforting, for a variety of reasons. The woman had been sitting inside when I got in and we had chatted a little earlier in the evening. She also made an instant connection with a friend that I brought. A former love interest. So it was interesting. anyway, she and her husband/boyfriend/partner (as I don't know their exact relationship) were talking about how she can be and introvert more than extrovert and how he sometimes forgot that. They were talking about balance and I could just feel their affection and mutual respect, love even, for each other. I could tell their desire to make being a couple work. A real couple, to be the balance and contrast that someone else wants and needs. It seems like work. To really work with someone that well. Work that I don't have to do right now, that I was happy to not have to deal with right now. While I may want a boyfriend, someone to love me, I know that despite all of my impatience one day I will find someone to balance and counteract and be exactly what I need. And that he will be just as willing to discuss balance at 1 a.m. as that man was.

So, here's to a New Year. The very scary 2009 full of uncertainty and possibilities.