So it takes time for me to get to know people and to feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. Sometimes, I find myself simply trying to prove my worth... that I'm cool and whoever it is should be friends with me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Halloween happened and left me with the urgency of re-evaluating my ideals and ideas and actions. I think it all comes down to self worth and self esteem. There is definitely a difference in having fun and doing stupid things because you think you don't matter enough. I can see myself almost going down this bad downward spiral, but I can't let myself do that. It is just a bad idea.
I think my head is a little clearer now. I have to remind myself to be myself. As odd as that statements seems, I have to remember to be me and to do the things that make me proud to be me. I just want to be loved... I think that is the heart of this matter, I just know that in order for that to happen I have to really be comfortable in my own skin. I have to honestly love myself, as cliche as that may sound, it is so true. So I'm working on that whole part of living again. Things with Craig have fizzled to the fact that his job doesn't leave him time for a relationship. I think I have finally excepted that. There is still that chemistry when we see each other, but this one I'll chalk up to bad timing. And really... who knows where I'll end up after May. Maybe the internship will turn into a job. Maybe I'll lead crews before going to grad school. Maybe I will work to save up money to bum around for awhile. Who knows? I sure don't.
I am 23, for better or worse. I am me. I am faulty, I get too drunk and I talk too loud. I get quiet and shut down. I find people that I think will turn out to be alright friends and I open up to them, slowly and then in an explosion. I am sarcastic and funny and fun. I am constantly changing and evolving and adapting, but that just makes me even more me.
So here is to possible good new friends, to a (free) guitar to learn on, and laughter.
