November

I work in a nursery and have a lot of time to think while I'm doing tasks that aren't exactly brain surgery. I thought of trying out this idea of making mixed CDs, a monthly mixed CD to send to a few friends. I got this idea when one song I was listening to, Scattered Leaves by the Be Good Tanyas, had a line about November in it and thus an idea was born. So I've been considering if I want to make these CDs monthly reviews or make a CD for the next month, something to look forward to. I think I'll just do the November one and send it out on November 1st or something and go from there. The songs on the playlists aren't just going to be about November but also what I'm listening to at the moment of CD creation. I know a few of my friends will get a kick out of these. So, that's what I'll be working on today.

I also have actual work to do, something to type up that I've been putting off, an email to comment on, a budget to make, typing to do. I've been doing a lot of reading. Yesterday I read The Bean Tree by Barbara Kingslover, like the entire book. I finished My Antonia the day before that and also started Into the Wild yesterday and am about half way through it. I've loving all of this reading I'm doing, I just needed to get out of the house today.

There is also the topic of my not really having a space of my own, which is something I need. I just feel out of place and want this whole housing situation to get figured out soon. But! I'm super excited for this weekend, Joshua Tree Music Festival... which means I get to see Jonathan! and others. So I'm stoked for a weekend of fun.

I have today, Columbus Day, off from work because I work for the government now and they take such days off. I'm not complaining, but it does feel weird to be just hanging out on a Monday, like I feel like I'm being bad.

I am here

I am here, although here is relative to where you are. I am in California, my here for the previous year and for the next year. I am in a different part of California, 2.5 hours north of my past here. But, either way I am here. Maybe I will keep making my way north in California. Maybe I will find myself out in North Carolina or Chicago, New York, Portland? Who knows, I don't, so don't ask, please. I am here as a directed effort to get closer to someone, to try and get to know him and for him to do the same. But, I am here and he has a job that makes him here only 10 days out of a month. So a 1/3 of the month he's "here" but mentally, I would say 5 days of a month he'll be able to not just be physically here. So... the story goes. We are "taking things slow" and I am really not all that surprised at this outcome of events. So there are still the feelings between us, but there aren't any commitments. We are not but we aren't either. (Does that make sense?) Maybe I do try too hard. But, if I hadn't done this I wouldn't have ever known. Or would I? Would we have kept in contact and then ended up in the same location again at some point in time? Who knows.

Either way and probably needless to say I was pretty depressed for the first few weeks I got here after we talked about the state of what is and isn't happening between us. I was still very lonely, adjusting to a new workplace, new people there, and the lack of people outside of work. Now I am better, but a week ago I was a bit of a wreck. His crew arrived last week and I think they might be at training right now or at least they will be soon. I am not calling him, I am letting him call me whenever he decides he wants to. Maybe it would be good if I gave him the opportunity to miss me.

I've been writing a lot lately about the whole situation. I am not sure what is going on between us. I do not know anything as it comes to us really, so maybe he will change his mind and miss me that much. He won't. But I'm not waiting for him. I'm here, I'm here! I think most of all (second to time) the writing has helped me deal with what is and isn't happening, what was said in May and June and what was said in September (these things differ, you see). I didn't come out here blindly, I came out here after we talked about it. It wasn't even me coming out here for him, don't get me wrong I am not nearly that hopeless. He was a bonus to an amazing internship. So, now I just have the amazing internship but not the bonus.

I have never written fictionally so truthfully about myself and others and it is frightening and refreshing. I am looking at myself through an outside perspective at times and it is helping I think.

There is your update on me. That is an idea of how I am right now and how I have been for the past few weeks. I am still here and I think I will always end up here one way or another.