trash, horoscopes, and other thoughts on a Thursday afternoon

I really only use this journal as an outlet for the trash thoughts I have. Once I get them out of my head, out into the open world of the vast Internet I feel better. I feel immensely better today. Especially after the conversation I just had with myself in the car. I feel free of all of those negative thoughts I was having and now can move on to being excited about life again. This, in part had to do with my horoscope from today...

"Instead of focusing so much on what would make you happier, spend some time thinking about what makes you unhappy -- whether it's the way a certain person treats you, your love handles or those dishes in the sink. Once you identify those targets, you can fix them -- and make yourself happier! So talk to that person, beef up your exercise routine and start cleaning up. Your happiness is in your hands."

This is all so true, because I was doing nothing more than thinking about what would make me happy. A boy, to go back and change things... etc. etc., but what makes me unhappy, well those things I DO have control over. And rightly so, I should change them. I don't even believe in the whole horoscope business, you know as far as it telling me about my life, etc. But I do think that sometimes they can give you a swift kick in the ass when needed. The powers that be can totally do that.

So, I'm good. Tomorrow I get to go to Panama City with some of my favorite girls in the entire world and party.

And yes, I totally do have conversations with myself. It helps me work through things, just not in my head. No, I don't answer back, but its the airing of... things, that is therapeutic in a way. In brief, yes, I would love for someone to want me and love me, but right now that isn't happening, but it doesn't matter. I'm moving at the end of the year, then moving about a year later for grad school. I don't know some guy holding me back. The sky is the fucking limit right now and I should start enjoying that more now. In a few months I have to start paying back student loans and I have to start seriously saving for Europe and Seattle, but its all worth it. Because that's why I'm working, so I can explore the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!

The other day Anna said I'm not a very good liberal woman (me wanting to have a boyfriend SO BADLY) (which, by the way, I was fine without before the whole Stew scenario) but I think I'm doing a pretty kick ass job with it. Yeah, he made me realize what I'm missing by being single but there is so much that goes into relationships and right now, well right now I need to live on my own. It'll come around again, just like when it did with Stew, when I'm not looking.

Where to from here?

I've been in such a bad mood lately. I feel as though there are so many components to it that my bad mood was written by some master chef... or not.

Margaret's Bad Mood

• 3 cups missing Stew and the implications of all of that
• 1/2 cup being lost in the crazy feelings that come after graduation, where you wonder... what now?
• 1 cup loneliness
• 1/2 ounce desperation because of the loneliness
• 1 tsp. the secret

• Yes, I miss Stew. I tried to replace him with this guy I met at our last party... but it only worked for like... a day. I miss Stew most of all because of what we could have been... if. I hate playing the "if" game, but we played it, and now I think about... "what if..." but the what ifs can only happen if time and space are changed. I am grateful to him for making me realize that its not the end of the world. I am worthy of love and affection from someone who won't treat me like shit. I'm worth so much. I miss how domestic I felt with him, as though in that grown-up world that I invaded for weekends I was welcomed and belonged.

• The after graduation feelings: I don't feel any different. I'm working full time at the part time job I was working during college... so nothing has changed in that aspect. I just want to go back to grad school now... I still want to do Earthcorps... but I don't know how well it will fit with going back to grad school next Summer/Fall. Or I just need to find a program that starts in the Spring. I need to start writing again, like hardcore so I have something worthwhile to submit to grad school. And I have to take the GRE... eventually.

• Loneliness and the desperation that comes out of it: I feel as though I'm behind. I don't even have a boyfriend. No, let's back up farther than that. I don't have anyone interested in me. And the only person I want interested in me isn't because of circumstances outside of my realm of control... well now anyway. And the desperation led to the whole Tom thing... which I'm still not sure what happened, but that's something I won't write about publicly (even though no one reads this so I guess I could write about it... but I won't).
  

And of course... the secret. Bah.

It isn't like things are going poorly. They just aren't where I want them to be. And so I'm pushing... and the pushing just makes me in more of a bad mood. I don't know what to do. I should be happy. I just graduated from college. I have a job. I'm going to Europe at the beginning of next year. You would think I'd be thrilled with life right now. But I'm not.

I just wish things were different. Is that too much to ask?

Perspective

The recent graduation has left me wondering and thinking and all of those wonderful -ing verbs that have to do with me over analyzing.

I think this whole thing with Stew is good... and bad for various reasons which I will name shortly. For one, he has helped me realize that despite the things that happened while I was with CJ, they were not my fault and I can have a healthy, normal relationship with someone. What happened with CJ was not my fault, I do not make men into horrible beings, I do not bring out the worst in guys, in fact, I bring out better things in them, which I am happy about. I am beautiful and have nothing to be ashamed of. I am intelligent and funny. I am worth so much more than the relationship with CJ made me think I was. Even now, years after, I was afraid to put myself out into the world because I thought I would just end up with another CJ but in fact I ended up with someone who I feel I will always be friends with, who has shown me more about myself and the world than he probably knows. I owe this reawakening of self confidence to Stew, although I'm sure he'd say he just gave me a nudge in the right direction.

So I'm starting this new chapter in my life, the whole post graduation chapter with self confidence that I should have had all along.

And yes, it sucks that Stew is moving away so soon, but he's so much for me in this short amount of time that I've known him. I'm glad that he's able to move on with his life, past the divorce and out of Tallahassee. I hope Miami treats him well, he deserves it.

I have been itching to start writing again. Real writing, something that I can get published, or at least that I'll have enough confidence in to send out to try to get published. There are two stories in particular that I've been thinking about. About how to make them better. I can't wait to start writing again. And in that same regard, I can't wait to go back to school, to grad school for my MFA. Sure, I'm putting it off until after November of next year, but I'm excited about it and that's what makes life great for me, being excited about something in the future. I'm excited about going to Europe, I'm excited about going into Earthcorps and then going back to grad school. This excitement is overwhelming and I'm glad that right now my life is filled with it.

Also, there's the possibility of a boy. Yes, boy this time seeing as he's my age. But I don't know if anything will come out of it... but the possibility is something that make me happy. Self confidence goes a long way.

So, I'm happy. Life is good. Tomorrow mom and I leave for Miami for Melissa's wedding and then after that I come back up here and I'll be working full time. Saving up money for Europe and Seattle and having a great time with my friends up here. I look forward to going to the pool, the beach, maybe camping... where ever. Yes, I may be overly dramatic sometimes, but its what I do. I wouldn't be the same person I am if I didn't bring some crazy drama into my life every once in awhile.