You know that point in your life... where if you hold really still, that things don't change and everything is great. For however long it lasts. Well, that's where I am right now. I'm holding it. Holding.... holding! Hoping this feeling will stay around for quite some time.
If all else fails, the impending graduation and move are always things to look forward to!
3.26.2007
3.15.2007
dreams
Lately, I feel as though my dreams are betraying me. The past week or so I have dreaded going to sleep, no matter how tired I've been because I know my dreams will only leave me tired, scared, depressed, or some other not so happy emotion when I wake up.
On top of the previous dreams, which I don't want to mention because one led to me waking up and crying hysterically in my bed, last night I had a dream about Rob. The Rob that I had forgotten about (maybe forgotten is a strong word, maybe shoved into the deepest corner of my mind is more appropriate). Either way, I haven't spoken to him in at least a month or so. Probably almost two or three now that I'm really thinking about it. And this has been fine with me, still is, but every once in awhile I get the urge to talk to him, to have some form of communication still open between us. But, I've been strong, and I haven't done it. And it doesn't really both me that much... I think of him as a bad habit, like smoking. Every once in awhile I'll REALLY crave a cigarette, but then, seeing as how I quit, I don't have any, and I only like to smoke the brand I smoked before, it subsides and then I go on with my regular, non-smoking life again.
That's how I feel about Rob. I get a craving to talk to him, and then it subsides and I'm better again. Instead of running to email him, I decided to write about it. I really don't need him in my life but every once in awhile I think about how much he makes me laugh... and then I think about how much he doesn't care about me at all. And yeah, somewhere in this brain of mine he'll always be, just because of that "first love" status he has, but he's not in the front of my mind anymore.
I don't see guys and instantly compare them to him, I don't see him as my only option anymore. He's not even the fall back option, and once I got over him being that, because I thought if I just held onto him, just in case that I'd always have that safety net. Screw safety nets, they only make you more afraid to be happy, live your life.
But... then I dream about him, and I feel like my conscious hours of not thinking about him are overshadowed by my dreams about him. What? Is there really nothing else I can dream about besides some guy who may have cared about me years ago but now couldn't care one way or the other? What happened to those mysterious stranger dreams I just to have, with this guy who loved me because I was so incredibly me, but I had no idea what he looked like/sounded like. I'll take those dreams, and I'll take my weird dreams back, but I can leave behind the horrific dreams.
I haven't been writing here because things have been going fairly well. Work is fine. School is fine. I have great friends. There isn't anything exciting happening, but I'd rather things be like this. Just the daily grind, uneventful. Because uneventful can be more exciting and fun than a ton of new things happening.
Oh yeah, and I graduate in a little over a month. Scary... but I think I'll be okay. I know I will be.
Woo! Optimism.
On top of the previous dreams, which I don't want to mention because one led to me waking up and crying hysterically in my bed, last night I had a dream about Rob. The Rob that I had forgotten about (maybe forgotten is a strong word, maybe shoved into the deepest corner of my mind is more appropriate). Either way, I haven't spoken to him in at least a month or so. Probably almost two or three now that I'm really thinking about it. And this has been fine with me, still is, but every once in awhile I get the urge to talk to him, to have some form of communication still open between us. But, I've been strong, and I haven't done it. And it doesn't really both me that much... I think of him as a bad habit, like smoking. Every once in awhile I'll REALLY crave a cigarette, but then, seeing as how I quit, I don't have any, and I only like to smoke the brand I smoked before, it subsides and then I go on with my regular, non-smoking life again.
That's how I feel about Rob. I get a craving to talk to him, and then it subsides and I'm better again. Instead of running to email him, I decided to write about it. I really don't need him in my life but every once in awhile I think about how much he makes me laugh... and then I think about how much he doesn't care about me at all. And yeah, somewhere in this brain of mine he'll always be, just because of that "first love" status he has, but he's not in the front of my mind anymore.
I don't see guys and instantly compare them to him, I don't see him as my only option anymore. He's not even the fall back option, and once I got over him being that, because I thought if I just held onto him, just in case that I'd always have that safety net. Screw safety nets, they only make you more afraid to be happy, live your life.
But... then I dream about him, and I feel like my conscious hours of not thinking about him are overshadowed by my dreams about him. What? Is there really nothing else I can dream about besides some guy who may have cared about me years ago but now couldn't care one way or the other? What happened to those mysterious stranger dreams I just to have, with this guy who loved me because I was so incredibly me, but I had no idea what he looked like/sounded like. I'll take those dreams, and I'll take my weird dreams back, but I can leave behind the horrific dreams.
I haven't been writing here because things have been going fairly well. Work is fine. School is fine. I have great friends. There isn't anything exciting happening, but I'd rather things be like this. Just the daily grind, uneventful. Because uneventful can be more exciting and fun than a ton of new things happening.
Oh yeah, and I graduate in a little over a month. Scary... but I think I'll be okay. I know I will be.
Woo! Optimism.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)