an update of sorts

I suppose I should be sleeping right now, especially seeing how I have to wake up in about 7 hours from now. The lack of sleepiness isn't keeping me up. I'm sure if I cleared all of the junk off my bed and laid down I'd be able to fall asleep fairly easily. But I can't, because I'm lonely. That's right folks, Marge is lonely. But that's not news.

News would be the movies I've seen in the past few days. I saw Secretary, which I am now contemplating buying because I loved it so much. Laura returned it today, which sucks horribly, because I really wanted to watch it again tonight. Which brings me to another point... of the fact that I am too nice to people, but that's alright. I also saw The Departed and Babel, which were both excellent movies. I loved The Departed, mainly because of my 10 year crush on Leo, but because he's grown so much as an actor. And the other actors... what are their names? Ha, they were amazing also. I wouldn't mind seeing that movie again. I also plan on watching more movies during Spring break next week. Woo hoo Blockbuster online.

So yeah... Spring break is super soon, which means nothing besides me working a 40 hour week. Which will be nice, because the extra money I had was taken today because I got towed... still angry about it, but oh well. At least I had the extra money and have an opportunity to get it back.

I'm going to Bonnarro this year, which I can not contain my excitement for. I just need to buy my ticket... which will happen fairly soon I hope. I'm getting a nice amount back from taxes which will go into the Bonnarro fund whenever I get it. So excited. So fuckin excited!
And somehow it is March already... it might as well be. And how did that happen? I am not sure. I want to graduate but then there's this whole indefinite period of waiting to see if I get into EarthCorps and then waiting to move to Seattle. In the mean time I'd just be working and waiting. I feel a little behind. Okay, so a lot behind... in life. But I'm excited! Really really excited. About life, even if at the end of the day I'm lonely.

Why hello little forgotten journal...

I'm not sure if my not writing in here is a good or bad thing. It's not as though I am so busy that I don't have the time. On the contrast, I've been doing a whole lot of wasting time, wasting money, wasting...

My life hasn't made some huge upturn to the better. In fact, I'm upset with myself for many of the life decisions I've made. But, I can't go back and change these things, regardless of how much I'd want to. And so is life... not being able to change the past and dealing with that and not letting that fact fuck up the future. The future... and that would be? All I know is that I graduate in the Spring... in April to be exact.

I'm trying to make the best of the time I have left. In Tallahassee. Being an undergraduate student.

I'm depressed... again. But this isn't new, so I don't really see the importance of it. But there, I admitted it. I make bad decisions... yes, I should have stayed with my Mom instead of moving into the apartment. I would have money saved up, I could move to Seattle right after graduation instead of having to wait until after July. I'm an idiot... this whole trying to live life for myself so I'll be happy is bullshit. Life doesn't work out that way. Life bites you in the ass... and that's it. That's the way things are. I feel so stupid. So completely stupid.

So I'm unhappy. And lonely. I, of course, feel as though I don't belong. Because I don't. And I put myself in this position. I feel so stupid. So stupid. So fucking stupid. But its okay. Because after I graduate I'll be working full time at work and I'll make extra money. And after I finish up the lease here (even though I'm not on a lease... ) I'll move back in with Mom and I'll save money until I find out if I got into EarthCorps or Americorps and I'll take life from there and try not to screw up again.

Lesson learned: Doing what you want isn't always going to make you happy.

So, back to studying. Which, I'm not doing enough of lately. Ah well, I'll be fine. I'm always fine in the end I guess.