Its strange how the loneliness seems to creep up on you sometimes. One moment, you're happy, enjoying your day just as it is and then the next something happens, pictures of your friends who are about to be married, and you see how happy they are... together. How they work together as this unit now. And then it hits you... that you're alone, that you probably will be for a long time. Because of things that are and are not your fault.
I was losing weight, I was doing just fine on the diet... then someone who I would have been interested in showed interest in me... and that led me to doubting everything and turning my good work, my hard work on that diet back. I don't know how to deal with this. I am so afraid of a relationship, terrified. I'd rather not be in one then to be hurt that much again, but at the same time I know that not every relationship is as horrible as the one I had. Then I get scared because of other things, because I know that they're coming eventually and I don't know how to deal with that, so instead it is just easier to not get into one.
And, let's not forget about how I'm graduating... and have no direction, no ideal, no clue as to what I'm doing after this graduation. I've been just not thinking about it, but that doesn't work. That's scary, frightening. Maybe I should just go ahead and do teach america or americorps, at least that way I'd get money for my student loans and I would be doing something worthwhile. I need to decide on something.
Weekends should definitely be 3 days. I need one day to party, one day to rest, and one day to get shit done. Oh well... and now its 12:03 AM which means its Sunday. So much to do still... argh!
1.20.2007
1.10.2007
more for my benefit than for yours...
Things to do:
- Work on portfolio
- Read books off of the list Julianna gave me
- Seriously look into grad schools
- Start GRE prep
- Save as much money as possible
- Try not to go crazy before graduation
1.03.2007
the one where she's happy and reflects about things
Winter break wasn't as boring as I tried to make it out in my last post. I was just really bored then, when I wrote it. Of course, the break isn't over yet, but it might as well be. I'm back to work now and tomorrow I go and talk to my advisor to make sure everything is squared away for graduation and to the bookstore to buy my books and a GRE prep book. I've decided to go ahead and take it because I will eventually be going to grad school and the ones I've been looking at all want you to have it. I guess no strictly art school for me, but I'm okay with that. I should be finished with grad school in 2010 if I start in 2008, but I'm not rushing it. I just know that I'm not starting in fall.
I'm excited about the coming year. I'm exciting about the classes I'm taking, feeling better about myself and finally getting rid of weight I should have never gained. But I did... my fault for quitting track and then not doing any sort of physical exercise... but now I'm taking care of it. Better now than never. And it really is doing wonders for my self esteem, self image... all of those selfish things. I even got hit on the other night... kinda, but that's a story for some other night, maybe a drunken night.
I've gotten back into knitting and quilting, yes I am 70 years old, but it has been good for me to get back to something like those. Something to keep me occupied. I've decided I'm going to make a quilt for my sister and my future brother-in-law for their wedding present... something about them. I know my sister will like it.
I've also been thinking about moving things around in my room at the apartment, although I haven't decided what where yet. I think I'll do that Friday or Saturday... maybe? Either way, I'm excited about this semester and I'm determined to make the best of it. I will never be in this place or this time again... so I have tomkae the most of it.
I also think this good mood is due to the fact that I've been reading again, something that always makes me feel better. Heh. And I've been thinking up really good story ideas. And the Seattle move is making me super excited. I'm aiming on August or September now, but we'll have to see what Meg can do also.
I'm excited about the coming year. I'm exciting about the classes I'm taking, feeling better about myself and finally getting rid of weight I should have never gained. But I did... my fault for quitting track and then not doing any sort of physical exercise... but now I'm taking care of it. Better now than never. And it really is doing wonders for my self esteem, self image... all of those selfish things. I even got hit on the other night... kinda, but that's a story for some other night, maybe a drunken night.
I've gotten back into knitting and quilting, yes I am 70 years old, but it has been good for me to get back to something like those. Something to keep me occupied. I've decided I'm going to make a quilt for my sister and my future brother-in-law for their wedding present... something about them. I know my sister will like it.
I've also been thinking about moving things around in my room at the apartment, although I haven't decided what where yet. I think I'll do that Friday or Saturday... maybe? Either way, I'm excited about this semester and I'm determined to make the best of it. I will never be in this place or this time again... so I have tomkae the most of it.
I also think this good mood is due to the fact that I've been reading again, something that always makes me feel better. Heh. And I've been thinking up really good story ideas. And the Seattle move is making me super excited. I'm aiming on August or September now, but we'll have to see what Meg can do also.
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