run baby run baby run

Sometimes I think we are all just looking for an escape. An escape from the mundane, the ordinary, the, dare I say, boring. We want something new, despite the negative feelings towards change. But change can be a good thing and usually is, especially when you find yourself stuck in cycles that you want nothing more than to get out of.

Last night I hung out/drank with the old crew. And after awhile, I think I realize why I tried to make Tom into something more than he was. Because I am tired, I'm tired of the complaining, the bitching, the indecisiveness and then the resistance when a solution is suggested. I'm tired of the bitchiness, the cattiness, I'm tired of it all. I just want laid back friends, who aren't into all of this pointless drama bullshit. And that's why I tried to make Tom into so much, because he was drama free.

But of course... I brought the drama to him.

On Tuesday I have a phone interview for one of the Americorps positions I applied for. I hope it goes well. I need change in a major way.

Change, change, change

A while ago I was thinking about changing the title "I always end up here" because at that moment, it sounded negative, hopeless, but today I see it as hopeful. Maybe the "here" I always find myself in isn't such a bad place to be after all.

The situation with Tom and I finally hit a brick wall. It exploded and I'm glad that it did. I finally understand what I knew. I finally listened to him and not just heard. I think I'm fine now. I know I am. No more of that talk with him. I feel so much better. Hopefully we'll see how it turns out the next time we see each other.

So, as it turns out, I was too forward. You have to play this game, this back and forth, on and off and that's not in my personality. So I need to learn how to do that, so I don't come on too strong, so I don't scare away. I'm a work in progress and you are too.

The only good thing about this whole situation with Tom and I is that I've started writing again. This is good because I haven't really been writing lately at all. But it's events, emotions, all of these things that make writers who they are. Yes, its imagination, but you can't write a good story about heartbreak, about love, about loss, about LIFE if you haven't experienced anything.

So I'm writing. It's my therapy. It helps me get over shit. Instead of going over and over it in my head I can write it down. I can even change the outcome if I want, but in this story, well in this story I'm not. Its more creative non-fiction than fiction, but it works.

So, here's to a good weekend. Change: moving back with my Mom, being more of the girl I want to be, etc.

Plans change

So! Recently, as in Sunday morning, I decided that I need to get out of Tallahassee sooner than later. To sum things up, since I don't want to go into the whole story again, basically Tom and I had a lengthy discussion that led me to realize that I'm no longer living for what makes me happy.

So!

1: I'm applying for AmeriCorps positions in Maryland and North Carolina that start in either October or November. The one I really want starts in October in Maryland. Similar to EarthCorps.

2: I'm not moving in with Anna again. It was fun, it was a great Senior year, but I've grown so much as a person. And our friendship isn't what it used to be before. So I'll be staying with Mom until I move.

3: Tom and I are FWB. Whatever. It wouldn't work out anyway. I over reacted for awhile, but now I'm good.

4: I haven't been wanting to mention anything because of fear of the jinx, but I've been loosing weight. Slowly, but surely.

I'm excited. I'm happy after getting a lot of things off my chest and I'm working on things... communication skills, my self, my own self perception. I really feel as though I'm becoming this fictional Margaret that I've always wanted to be. I feel great. There's no reason for me to put my life on hold, so I'm not anymore.

cracking the shell

On June 18th I will have known Tom for 2 months.

I think at this point I'm just enjoying the ride. I'm having fun and I feel like I'm growing as a person. Sometimes he even lets down his guard and I get to see the non-asshole protective covered Tom, like last night. He was genuine and completely relaxed. It was nice.

At the same time though, I like the smart ass that he is.

Saturdays are for lovers, just like Virginia

I stayed up until about 2:30/3 last night.... and this is me "sleeping in" up at 9 listening to the Beatles. I had an interesting conversation with my friend Chris last night, he was drunk, I was sober, but it was one of those conversations you wish you could have all of the time, regardless of sobriety.

Queen of Socks (and overreacting)

So... not only is Tom not mad at me... well, let's get back to that in a second.

Tom wasn't avoiding/not calling me. As it turns out, he was waiting for me to call because he said he called and I never called him back. So we hung out yesterday after work, bowling (I won 2 games... out of 2) and then movie and then... dinner.

At which point my insecurities/overreaction led to our 1st argument... I'm sure he doesn't see it as one but I do. He said "fuck" and I've never heard him say "fuck" before. I, of course, curse worse than a sailor. I got upset over one thing that I shouldn't have taken seriously and another that I wasn't clear enough on. Bah.

The cool thing with Tom is that on the ride back to my apartment we talked about everything. He forced me to stop internalizing and talk about what was bothering me. Which was good, because instead of just being mad at the situation/him we talked about what happened and now we're okay. It really is something I have to do more often.

However, in the end I felt kinda stupid until I talked to whole thing over with Meg. And now I feel fine.

So, not only is Tom not mad at me, he wasn't avoiding/not calling me, but today is Friday! I heart Fridays much more than Saturdays and Sundays... well, maybe not.

On a serious note, I really do need to stop over reacting. I need to just take a step back sometimes and relax and breathe, the problem is that I sometimes only see this after the over reacting has caused something to happen.

Bah.

Missing Moo Bear

I have a variety of quirks. One of them is my thought process.

My thought process jumps. It likes to jump from one thing to the next, almost without warning. Anyway, Stew requested a picture of me by this really really big tree in town. I said I'd send it, which is now on my list of "Things I've Been Putting Off" list. I was thinking about this fact the other day and how I have no problem taking this picture for him because he honestly did make me feel beautiful (cliche, possibly, but oh so true) anyway, this led to me think that Tom does not make me feel beautiful. I'm sure this isn't by choice, he just doesn't. This got me thinking about how Stew made me feel and how Tom doesn't make me feel that way. So, I've decided that it is time to end this silly little fling with Tom. Simply because it is just opening a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.

I want someone to make me feel the way Stew did. I want that. I want what we had and even though I like spending time with Tom, it isn't anything like what I had with Stew. If you're going to have a short relationship, it should at least be one full of passion, lust, fun!, and feeling better about yourself than you have in years.

The good thing is I'm not sad about any of this.

So, onward and maybe what comes next will be more like what I had with Stew.

Is it January yet?

I've been spoiled by my monitor at work. Its a beauty and actually I have two, although one is not as beautiful as the other. Either way, I want to use two monitors all of the time now and whenever I'm not I feel a little disappointed.

This morning, the printer decided it hates me. I just refilled it with toner, but apparently, it doesn't like that. So, for a split second I pictured the scene in "Office Space" ... you know the one. Instead, I decided the best choice of action was to turn the printer off and deal with it when I get to that bridge. Of course, I can always just use the other printer until Jeremy gets back and he can deal with it. Not because I don't want to, but because they're on vacation and I can do without until next week.

Seeing how I've been posting a lot recently, I have a little bit of free time at the office. Nothing major coming up.

No coffee

This morning, like every morning since I've quit being a part time student/part time worker and became a full time worker, I poured myself a travel mug of coffee. The difference in this morning is that it is still sitting full on my desk. I'm not sure if this is because I was busy doing bills all morning where I didn't need coffee or if its my new attitude about working harder at getting back to the type of person I want to be that stopped the flow of artificial awake from the cup to my mouth. Either way, the full mug on my desk makes me happy. I also woke up to a clean bedroom this morning, except for a few items of clothes I couldn't keep myself awake long enough to hang up/fold.

After work I'm cleaning the apartment, living room and kitchen, despite the fact that I wasn't there for the previous 4 days and none of the mess is mine. I'm doing it because obviously if I don't, it won't get done. No, nothing has changed. So, that is that.

I'm also excited about a new big comfy bed, provided by the fact that neither Laura nor her parents want to deal with getting the furniture back down to South Florida. So, I get all of it. Which I happen to think is pretty awesome.

There are a few snags in my way, but I just have to make it to Friday and those snags will be fixed. Temporarily... but I'm on my way to kicking ass again and not stopping long enough to take names.