Where to from here?

I've been in such a bad mood lately. I feel as though there are so many components to it that my bad mood was written by some master chef... or not.

Margaret's Bad Mood

• 3 cups missing Stew and the implications of all of that
• 1/2 cup being lost in the crazy feelings that come after graduation, where you wonder... what now?
• 1 cup loneliness
• 1/2 ounce desperation because of the loneliness
• 1 tsp. the secret

• Yes, I miss Stew. I tried to replace him with this guy I met at our last party... but it only worked for like... a day. I miss Stew most of all because of what we could have been... if. I hate playing the "if" game, but we played it, and now I think about... "what if..." but the what ifs can only happen if time and space are changed. I am grateful to him for making me realize that its not the end of the world. I am worthy of love and affection from someone who won't treat me like shit. I'm worth so much. I miss how domestic I felt with him, as though in that grown-up world that I invaded for weekends I was welcomed and belonged.

• The after graduation feelings: I don't feel any different. I'm working full time at the part time job I was working during college... so nothing has changed in that aspect. I just want to go back to grad school now... I still want to do Earthcorps... but I don't know how well it will fit with going back to grad school next Summer/Fall. Or I just need to find a program that starts in the Spring. I need to start writing again, like hardcore so I have something worthwhile to submit to grad school. And I have to take the GRE... eventually.

• Loneliness and the desperation that comes out of it: I feel as though I'm behind. I don't even have a boyfriend. No, let's back up farther than that. I don't have anyone interested in me. And the only person I want interested in me isn't because of circumstances outside of my realm of control... well now anyway. And the desperation led to the whole Tom thing... which I'm still not sure what happened, but that's something I won't write about publicly (even though no one reads this so I guess I could write about it... but I won't).
  

And of course... the secret. Bah.

It isn't like things are going poorly. They just aren't where I want them to be. And so I'm pushing... and the pushing just makes me in more of a bad mood. I don't know what to do. I should be happy. I just graduated from college. I have a job. I'm going to Europe at the beginning of next year. You would think I'd be thrilled with life right now. But I'm not.

I just wish things were different. Is that too much to ask?