Perspective

The recent graduation has left me wondering and thinking and all of those wonderful -ing verbs that have to do with me over analyzing.

I think this whole thing with Stew is good... and bad for various reasons which I will name shortly. For one, he has helped me realize that despite the things that happened while I was with CJ, they were not my fault and I can have a healthy, normal relationship with someone. What happened with CJ was not my fault, I do not make men into horrible beings, I do not bring out the worst in guys, in fact, I bring out better things in them, which I am happy about. I am beautiful and have nothing to be ashamed of. I am intelligent and funny. I am worth so much more than the relationship with CJ made me think I was. Even now, years after, I was afraid to put myself out into the world because I thought I would just end up with another CJ but in fact I ended up with someone who I feel I will always be friends with, who has shown me more about myself and the world than he probably knows. I owe this reawakening of self confidence to Stew, although I'm sure he'd say he just gave me a nudge in the right direction.

So I'm starting this new chapter in my life, the whole post graduation chapter with self confidence that I should have had all along.

And yes, it sucks that Stew is moving away so soon, but he's so much for me in this short amount of time that I've known him. I'm glad that he's able to move on with his life, past the divorce and out of Tallahassee. I hope Miami treats him well, he deserves it.

I have been itching to start writing again. Real writing, something that I can get published, or at least that I'll have enough confidence in to send out to try to get published. There are two stories in particular that I've been thinking about. About how to make them better. I can't wait to start writing again. And in that same regard, I can't wait to go back to school, to grad school for my MFA. Sure, I'm putting it off until after November of next year, but I'm excited about it and that's what makes life great for me, being excited about something in the future. I'm excited about going to Europe, I'm excited about going into Earthcorps and then going back to grad school. This excitement is overwhelming and I'm glad that right now my life is filled with it.

Also, there's the possibility of a boy. Yes, boy this time seeing as he's my age. But I don't know if anything will come out of it... but the possibility is something that make me happy. Self confidence goes a long way.

So, I'm happy. Life is good. Tomorrow mom and I leave for Miami for Melissa's wedding and then after that I come back up here and I'll be working full time. Saving up money for Europe and Seattle and having a great time with my friends up here. I look forward to going to the pool, the beach, maybe camping... where ever. Yes, I may be overly dramatic sometimes, but its what I do. I wouldn't be the same person I am if I didn't bring some crazy drama into my life every once in awhile.