Can't live with or without them...

I feel like a complete idiot. A naive, stupid idiot (yes, redundant but needed). I shouldn't feel like this, but I do simply because I have put myself in the situation to be hurt. Regardless of the fact that I knew, from the beginning, that we are nothing more than friends, I still get hurt. Its my own fault and I can't blame anyone but myself for the fact that right now I feel like just leaving work so I can go home and sleep. I wish I could just sleep off years of my life and wake up when its good, because I'm tired of all of the crappy parts.

My life has been a series of relationships that should have happened, and one that did that shouldn't have. And Stew gets added to this list of ones that should have happened. I feel sad because he's leaving, I feel hurt because we're just friends and regardless of how sexually attractive he may find me, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yes, he's moving, so the whole relationship part would be impossible anyway, but to be wanted one way, and not in the "I want a relationship with you" way, doesn't help either.

I need to go back to the point right before I met Stew again, like when we started to become better friends. At that point I was happy, content with things. I wasn't looking for a relationship and then he comes along and then I want a relationship. And now I want a relationship and he's leaving... but it doesn't matter. Its just frustrating that I was fine, I was perfectly fine before he came around and now I'm back to worrying about being alone.

And yeah, I graduated on Friday night... but that feels like weeks ago. I'm scared, simply because slowly this whole graduation thing has been hitting me.

I suppose I just want someone to love me, to want to be with me, to think the world of me. And I don't think that's too much to ask, I just wish I weren't asking for it anymore, because I'm so tired of feeling empty again. I want to go back to the girl that didn't care if anyone loved her or thought the world of her, that just simply wanted to live and be happy and take things as they came.

quickly...

I feel the need to write here simply because I have the time to do it. Time has been a friend and enemy lately. I've been super busy with the end of the semester and super busy with spending my weekends with the boy. Who's not a boy at all, but still. Time, is moving quickly. I graduate next Friday... yes, in 6 days to be exact. I'm excited. Then, I'm going to stay here and work until December... and then Europe! (YAY!) and then Seattle. So I'm excited. There's a plan.

Life has been a whirlwind of loving and hating my roommates, loving and hating this whole new friendship I have with the boy, and feeling incredibly better about myself. I'm actually looking forward to not taking classes for awhile, having to only worry about work from the time I'm in the office to the time I leave and that's it. I'm sure after about a month of full time work I will be sick and tired, but right now I'm looking forward to it. Actually, I hope I don't get tired of it at all.

Back to studying now.