I'm not sure if my not writing in here is a good or bad thing. It's not as though I am so busy that I don't have the time. On the contrast, I've been doing a whole lot of wasting time, wasting money, wasting...
My life hasn't made some huge upturn to the better. In fact, I'm upset with myself for many of the life decisions I've made. But, I can't go back and change these things, regardless of how much I'd want to. And so is life... not being able to change the past and dealing with that and not letting that fact fuck up the future. The future... and that would be? All I know is that I graduate in the Spring... in April to be exact.
I'm trying to make the best of the time I have left. In Tallahassee. Being an undergraduate student.
I'm depressed... again. But this isn't new, so I don't really see the importance of it. But there, I admitted it. I make bad decisions... yes, I should have stayed with my Mom instead of moving into the apartment. I would have money saved up, I could move to Seattle right after graduation instead of having to wait until after July. I'm an idiot... this whole trying to live life for myself so I'll be happy is bullshit. Life doesn't work out that way. Life bites you in the ass... and that's it. That's the way things are. I feel so stupid. So completely stupid.
So I'm unhappy. And lonely. I, of course, feel as though I don't belong. Because I don't. And I put myself in this position. I feel so stupid. So stupid. So fucking stupid. But its okay. Because after I graduate I'll be working full time at work and I'll make extra money. And after I finish up the lease here (even though I'm not on a lease... ) I'll move back in with Mom and I'll save money until I find out if I got into EarthCorps or Americorps and I'll take life from there and try not to screw up again.
Lesson learned: Doing what you want isn't always going to make you happy.
So, back to studying. Which, I'm not doing enough of lately. Ah well, I'll be fine. I'm always fine in the end I guess.
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