Let the countdown begin

I am overwhelmed. I'm moving to California in approximately 25/26 days.

It's so strange how sometimes you want time to fly by and others you want to make sure that every single moment counts. I'm trying to stretch moments into hours and make memories that will last forever, or at least as long as good memories last.

I'm scared. This is such a huge change, driving literally from one end of the country to the next and then embarking on this life changing experience. I'll be camping, in the desert for 10 days at a time, 4 off. I'll be working my ass off doing environmental work. Work that I believe in. But by god, its going to be hard. I'll be thrown into this community of 8 other people, we'll live, work, eat, sleep, play, laugh, get upset, get angry, be disappointed together. I'm excited and I'm scared.

This is so much different than when I left home to go to college. I wasn't this scared, because I really didn't feel like I was leaving anything behind. Here, now, I feel like I'm leaving so much behind. I'm leaving a lifestyle behind. I'm leaving a life behind. With the start of the engine on the day I leave, with the leaving of Tallahassee, I'll be leaving behind this life of parties, late night coffee runs, late night drives to destinations unknown, driving around the streets of Tallahassee with people I love. I'll be leaving behind Andrew, my co-counsel and co-conspirator, Tom, who although I haven't known for years, only 3 months has done more for me than he can probably imagine and believe, Anna and the gang, my party buddies for the past year and a half who taught me to let go, live it up, Karin, my art buddy, coffee friend, confident, wonderful amazing girl, Emilie, one of the coolest girls I have ever known and will miss dearly, Jamie, my favorite stoner and hippie... and countless other people who have helped me become the person I am today.

I have no many memories with everyone and I love them all so much that I don't want to leave simply because I don't want to miss anything. But they'll leave... we'll all leave, just like Sean and Meg have already left. Stew left, Scott left, but not from Tallahassee but from my life.

I'm going to miss the atmosphere of a home FSU game. The feeling of walking on campus.

I'm going to miss so much and that is why I'm finding it difficult to leave. There weren't nearly as many memories in high school as there are now. So this step, this one feels like a giant leap into the unknown, because it is.

I feel like there's so much I still have to do before I leave. I have to buy gear, clothes, make sure everything is fixed on Jeepy, plan the trip, figure out if Rob or Andrew is going to drive with me, finish paperwork, figure out when I need to have applications ready to send for grad school, figure out when I'm taking the GRE and where in California... sigh. All in 25 days, with a limited amount of funds AND still taking 3 days to go to Jamie's wedding the 14th-16th. I think I also want to write everyone sort of "good bye" notes. I'll be writing letters in California to everyone but not everyone... so I think that would be a nice gesture. Oh yeah, and I'm throwing a going away party on the 22nd. Sheesh. Overwhelmed.

Numero forty-one

In a month, next month this time I'll be on the road, heading towards California. I'll be moving there to find myself in the desert, camping for 10 days at a time with 9 people who I will also live with during off time. I'll be working with the land, hiking, camping, planting, routing, GIS mapping... not showering for 10 days at a time.

I feel like I'm always running, always choosing something outrageous because I don't want my life to be boring. And no, this won't be boring. For the next 10 months by life will be living and working in the desert. And I'm ready, scared, yes, but I'm taking a chance, putting my neck out there, trying something different and new because I can and because I want to. Sure, if someone had told me a few months ago that I would choose to live in the desert with complete strangers working my ass off I'd laugh at them, but that's what I'll be doing.

Running from rejection? Quite possibly. Running to be on my own because I never really have been, yes, yes I believe I am. But running means I have to stop sometime and where I end up is farther than where I started. I might just be a little worn out, a little worn down, ready for some rest, but I think at this point, its what I need.

And then... grad school! Which means a: I need to seriously start writing, none of this scraps of stories on scraps of paper and b: I need to seriously start GRE prepping.

Life is about the choice you make... and how you finish.

run baby run baby run

Sometimes I think we are all just looking for an escape. An escape from the mundane, the ordinary, the, dare I say, boring. We want something new, despite the negative feelings towards change. But change can be a good thing and usually is, especially when you find yourself stuck in cycles that you want nothing more than to get out of.

Last night I hung out/drank with the old crew. And after awhile, I think I realize why I tried to make Tom into something more than he was. Because I am tired, I'm tired of the complaining, the bitching, the indecisiveness and then the resistance when a solution is suggested. I'm tired of the bitchiness, the cattiness, I'm tired of it all. I just want laid back friends, who aren't into all of this pointless drama bullshit. And that's why I tried to make Tom into so much, because he was drama free.

But of course... I brought the drama to him.

On Tuesday I have a phone interview for one of the Americorps positions I applied for. I hope it goes well. I need change in a major way.

Change, change, change

A while ago I was thinking about changing the title "I always end up here" because at that moment, it sounded negative, hopeless, but today I see it as hopeful. Maybe the "here" I always find myself in isn't such a bad place to be after all.

The situation with Tom and I finally hit a brick wall. It exploded and I'm glad that it did. I finally understand what I knew. I finally listened to him and not just heard. I think I'm fine now. I know I am. No more of that talk with him. I feel so much better. Hopefully we'll see how it turns out the next time we see each other.

So, as it turns out, I was too forward. You have to play this game, this back and forth, on and off and that's not in my personality. So I need to learn how to do that, so I don't come on too strong, so I don't scare away. I'm a work in progress and you are too.

The only good thing about this whole situation with Tom and I is that I've started writing again. This is good because I haven't really been writing lately at all. But it's events, emotions, all of these things that make writers who they are. Yes, its imagination, but you can't write a good story about heartbreak, about love, about loss, about LIFE if you haven't experienced anything.

So I'm writing. It's my therapy. It helps me get over shit. Instead of going over and over it in my head I can write it down. I can even change the outcome if I want, but in this story, well in this story I'm not. Its more creative non-fiction than fiction, but it works.

So, here's to a good weekend. Change: moving back with my Mom, being more of the girl I want to be, etc.

Plans change

So! Recently, as in Sunday morning, I decided that I need to get out of Tallahassee sooner than later. To sum things up, since I don't want to go into the whole story again, basically Tom and I had a lengthy discussion that led me to realize that I'm no longer living for what makes me happy.

So!

1: I'm applying for AmeriCorps positions in Maryland and North Carolina that start in either October or November. The one I really want starts in October in Maryland. Similar to EarthCorps.

2: I'm not moving in with Anna again. It was fun, it was a great Senior year, but I've grown so much as a person. And our friendship isn't what it used to be before. So I'll be staying with Mom until I move.

3: Tom and I are FWB. Whatever. It wouldn't work out anyway. I over reacted for awhile, but now I'm good.

4: I haven't been wanting to mention anything because of fear of the jinx, but I've been loosing weight. Slowly, but surely.

I'm excited. I'm happy after getting a lot of things off my chest and I'm working on things... communication skills, my self, my own self perception. I really feel as though I'm becoming this fictional Margaret that I've always wanted to be. I feel great. There's no reason for me to put my life on hold, so I'm not anymore.

cracking the shell

On June 18th I will have known Tom for 2 months.

I think at this point I'm just enjoying the ride. I'm having fun and I feel like I'm growing as a person. Sometimes he even lets down his guard and I get to see the non-asshole protective covered Tom, like last night. He was genuine and completely relaxed. It was nice.

At the same time though, I like the smart ass that he is.

Saturdays are for lovers, just like Virginia

I stayed up until about 2:30/3 last night.... and this is me "sleeping in" up at 9 listening to the Beatles. I had an interesting conversation with my friend Chris last night, he was drunk, I was sober, but it was one of those conversations you wish you could have all of the time, regardless of sobriety.

Queen of Socks (and overreacting)

So... not only is Tom not mad at me... well, let's get back to that in a second.

Tom wasn't avoiding/not calling me. As it turns out, he was waiting for me to call because he said he called and I never called him back. So we hung out yesterday after work, bowling (I won 2 games... out of 2) and then movie and then... dinner.

At which point my insecurities/overreaction led to our 1st argument... I'm sure he doesn't see it as one but I do. He said "fuck" and I've never heard him say "fuck" before. I, of course, curse worse than a sailor. I got upset over one thing that I shouldn't have taken seriously and another that I wasn't clear enough on. Bah.

The cool thing with Tom is that on the ride back to my apartment we talked about everything. He forced me to stop internalizing and talk about what was bothering me. Which was good, because instead of just being mad at the situation/him we talked about what happened and now we're okay. It really is something I have to do more often.

However, in the end I felt kinda stupid until I talked to whole thing over with Meg. And now I feel fine.

So, not only is Tom not mad at me, he wasn't avoiding/not calling me, but today is Friday! I heart Fridays much more than Saturdays and Sundays... well, maybe not.

On a serious note, I really do need to stop over reacting. I need to just take a step back sometimes and relax and breathe, the problem is that I sometimes only see this after the over reacting has caused something to happen.

Bah.

Missing Moo Bear

I have a variety of quirks. One of them is my thought process.

My thought process jumps. It likes to jump from one thing to the next, almost without warning. Anyway, Stew requested a picture of me by this really really big tree in town. I said I'd send it, which is now on my list of "Things I've Been Putting Off" list. I was thinking about this fact the other day and how I have no problem taking this picture for him because he honestly did make me feel beautiful (cliche, possibly, but oh so true) anyway, this led to me think that Tom does not make me feel beautiful. I'm sure this isn't by choice, he just doesn't. This got me thinking about how Stew made me feel and how Tom doesn't make me feel that way. So, I've decided that it is time to end this silly little fling with Tom. Simply because it is just opening a can of worms that doesn't need to be opened.

I want someone to make me feel the way Stew did. I want that. I want what we had and even though I like spending time with Tom, it isn't anything like what I had with Stew. If you're going to have a short relationship, it should at least be one full of passion, lust, fun!, and feeling better about yourself than you have in years.

The good thing is I'm not sad about any of this.

So, onward and maybe what comes next will be more like what I had with Stew.

Is it January yet?

I've been spoiled by my monitor at work. Its a beauty and actually I have two, although one is not as beautiful as the other. Either way, I want to use two monitors all of the time now and whenever I'm not I feel a little disappointed.

This morning, the printer decided it hates me. I just refilled it with toner, but apparently, it doesn't like that. So, for a split second I pictured the scene in "Office Space" ... you know the one. Instead, I decided the best choice of action was to turn the printer off and deal with it when I get to that bridge. Of course, I can always just use the other printer until Jeremy gets back and he can deal with it. Not because I don't want to, but because they're on vacation and I can do without until next week.

Seeing how I've been posting a lot recently, I have a little bit of free time at the office. Nothing major coming up.

No coffee

This morning, like every morning since I've quit being a part time student/part time worker and became a full time worker, I poured myself a travel mug of coffee. The difference in this morning is that it is still sitting full on my desk. I'm not sure if this is because I was busy doing bills all morning where I didn't need coffee or if its my new attitude about working harder at getting back to the type of person I want to be that stopped the flow of artificial awake from the cup to my mouth. Either way, the full mug on my desk makes me happy. I also woke up to a clean bedroom this morning, except for a few items of clothes I couldn't keep myself awake long enough to hang up/fold.

After work I'm cleaning the apartment, living room and kitchen, despite the fact that I wasn't there for the previous 4 days and none of the mess is mine. I'm doing it because obviously if I don't, it won't get done. No, nothing has changed. So, that is that.

I'm also excited about a new big comfy bed, provided by the fact that neither Laura nor her parents want to deal with getting the furniture back down to South Florida. So, I get all of it. Which I happen to think is pretty awesome.

There are a few snags in my way, but I just have to make it to Friday and those snags will be fixed. Temporarily... but I'm on my way to kicking ass again and not stopping long enough to take names.

boys...

My teddy bear and comforter smell like Tom.

I like the Tom smell.

I like Tom.

work sucks

At this point in the day (afternoon, if you will) I'm quite sure my boss isn't coming back. Which means A: I have too much time to think and B: I won't be able to finish this project today. Fuck!

In other news: I've had too much shit happen to me in my life so far, so its about time I start making good shit happen!

trash, horoscopes, and other thoughts on a Thursday afternoon

I really only use this journal as an outlet for the trash thoughts I have. Once I get them out of my head, out into the open world of the vast Internet I feel better. I feel immensely better today. Especially after the conversation I just had with myself in the car. I feel free of all of those negative thoughts I was having and now can move on to being excited about life again. This, in part had to do with my horoscope from today...

"Instead of focusing so much on what would make you happier, spend some time thinking about what makes you unhappy -- whether it's the way a certain person treats you, your love handles or those dishes in the sink. Once you identify those targets, you can fix them -- and make yourself happier! So talk to that person, beef up your exercise routine and start cleaning up. Your happiness is in your hands."

This is all so true, because I was doing nothing more than thinking about what would make me happy. A boy, to go back and change things... etc. etc., but what makes me unhappy, well those things I DO have control over. And rightly so, I should change them. I don't even believe in the whole horoscope business, you know as far as it telling me about my life, etc. But I do think that sometimes they can give you a swift kick in the ass when needed. The powers that be can totally do that.

So, I'm good. Tomorrow I get to go to Panama City with some of my favorite girls in the entire world and party.

And yes, I totally do have conversations with myself. It helps me work through things, just not in my head. No, I don't answer back, but its the airing of... things, that is therapeutic in a way. In brief, yes, I would love for someone to want me and love me, but right now that isn't happening, but it doesn't matter. I'm moving at the end of the year, then moving about a year later for grad school. I don't know some guy holding me back. The sky is the fucking limit right now and I should start enjoying that more now. In a few months I have to start paying back student loans and I have to start seriously saving for Europe and Seattle, but its all worth it. Because that's why I'm working, so I can explore the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!

The other day Anna said I'm not a very good liberal woman (me wanting to have a boyfriend SO BADLY) (which, by the way, I was fine without before the whole Stew scenario) but I think I'm doing a pretty kick ass job with it. Yeah, he made me realize what I'm missing by being single but there is so much that goes into relationships and right now, well right now I need to live on my own. It'll come around again, just like when it did with Stew, when I'm not looking.

Where to from here?

I've been in such a bad mood lately. I feel as though there are so many components to it that my bad mood was written by some master chef... or not.

Margaret's Bad Mood

• 3 cups missing Stew and the implications of all of that
• 1/2 cup being lost in the crazy feelings that come after graduation, where you wonder... what now?
• 1 cup loneliness
• 1/2 ounce desperation because of the loneliness
• 1 tsp. the secret

• Yes, I miss Stew. I tried to replace him with this guy I met at our last party... but it only worked for like... a day. I miss Stew most of all because of what we could have been... if. I hate playing the "if" game, but we played it, and now I think about... "what if..." but the what ifs can only happen if time and space are changed. I am grateful to him for making me realize that its not the end of the world. I am worthy of love and affection from someone who won't treat me like shit. I'm worth so much. I miss how domestic I felt with him, as though in that grown-up world that I invaded for weekends I was welcomed and belonged.

• The after graduation feelings: I don't feel any different. I'm working full time at the part time job I was working during college... so nothing has changed in that aspect. I just want to go back to grad school now... I still want to do Earthcorps... but I don't know how well it will fit with going back to grad school next Summer/Fall. Or I just need to find a program that starts in the Spring. I need to start writing again, like hardcore so I have something worthwhile to submit to grad school. And I have to take the GRE... eventually.

• Loneliness and the desperation that comes out of it: I feel as though I'm behind. I don't even have a boyfriend. No, let's back up farther than that. I don't have anyone interested in me. And the only person I want interested in me isn't because of circumstances outside of my realm of control... well now anyway. And the desperation led to the whole Tom thing... which I'm still not sure what happened, but that's something I won't write about publicly (even though no one reads this so I guess I could write about it... but I won't).
  

And of course... the secret. Bah.

It isn't like things are going poorly. They just aren't where I want them to be. And so I'm pushing... and the pushing just makes me in more of a bad mood. I don't know what to do. I should be happy. I just graduated from college. I have a job. I'm going to Europe at the beginning of next year. You would think I'd be thrilled with life right now. But I'm not.

I just wish things were different. Is that too much to ask?

Perspective

The recent graduation has left me wondering and thinking and all of those wonderful -ing verbs that have to do with me over analyzing.

I think this whole thing with Stew is good... and bad for various reasons which I will name shortly. For one, he has helped me realize that despite the things that happened while I was with CJ, they were not my fault and I can have a healthy, normal relationship with someone. What happened with CJ was not my fault, I do not make men into horrible beings, I do not bring out the worst in guys, in fact, I bring out better things in them, which I am happy about. I am beautiful and have nothing to be ashamed of. I am intelligent and funny. I am worth so much more than the relationship with CJ made me think I was. Even now, years after, I was afraid to put myself out into the world because I thought I would just end up with another CJ but in fact I ended up with someone who I feel I will always be friends with, who has shown me more about myself and the world than he probably knows. I owe this reawakening of self confidence to Stew, although I'm sure he'd say he just gave me a nudge in the right direction.

So I'm starting this new chapter in my life, the whole post graduation chapter with self confidence that I should have had all along.

And yes, it sucks that Stew is moving away so soon, but he's so much for me in this short amount of time that I've known him. I'm glad that he's able to move on with his life, past the divorce and out of Tallahassee. I hope Miami treats him well, he deserves it.

I have been itching to start writing again. Real writing, something that I can get published, or at least that I'll have enough confidence in to send out to try to get published. There are two stories in particular that I've been thinking about. About how to make them better. I can't wait to start writing again. And in that same regard, I can't wait to go back to school, to grad school for my MFA. Sure, I'm putting it off until after November of next year, but I'm excited about it and that's what makes life great for me, being excited about something in the future. I'm excited about going to Europe, I'm excited about going into Earthcorps and then going back to grad school. This excitement is overwhelming and I'm glad that right now my life is filled with it.

Also, there's the possibility of a boy. Yes, boy this time seeing as he's my age. But I don't know if anything will come out of it... but the possibility is something that make me happy. Self confidence goes a long way.

So, I'm happy. Life is good. Tomorrow mom and I leave for Miami for Melissa's wedding and then after that I come back up here and I'll be working full time. Saving up money for Europe and Seattle and having a great time with my friends up here. I look forward to going to the pool, the beach, maybe camping... where ever. Yes, I may be overly dramatic sometimes, but its what I do. I wouldn't be the same person I am if I didn't bring some crazy drama into my life every once in awhile.

Can't live with or without them...

I feel like a complete idiot. A naive, stupid idiot (yes, redundant but needed). I shouldn't feel like this, but I do simply because I have put myself in the situation to be hurt. Regardless of the fact that I knew, from the beginning, that we are nothing more than friends, I still get hurt. Its my own fault and I can't blame anyone but myself for the fact that right now I feel like just leaving work so I can go home and sleep. I wish I could just sleep off years of my life and wake up when its good, because I'm tired of all of the crappy parts.

My life has been a series of relationships that should have happened, and one that did that shouldn't have. And Stew gets added to this list of ones that should have happened. I feel sad because he's leaving, I feel hurt because we're just friends and regardless of how sexually attractive he may find me, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Yes, he's moving, so the whole relationship part would be impossible anyway, but to be wanted one way, and not in the "I want a relationship with you" way, doesn't help either.

I need to go back to the point right before I met Stew again, like when we started to become better friends. At that point I was happy, content with things. I wasn't looking for a relationship and then he comes along and then I want a relationship. And now I want a relationship and he's leaving... but it doesn't matter. Its just frustrating that I was fine, I was perfectly fine before he came around and now I'm back to worrying about being alone.

And yeah, I graduated on Friday night... but that feels like weeks ago. I'm scared, simply because slowly this whole graduation thing has been hitting me.

I suppose I just want someone to love me, to want to be with me, to think the world of me. And I don't think that's too much to ask, I just wish I weren't asking for it anymore, because I'm so tired of feeling empty again. I want to go back to the girl that didn't care if anyone loved her or thought the world of her, that just simply wanted to live and be happy and take things as they came.

quickly...

I feel the need to write here simply because I have the time to do it. Time has been a friend and enemy lately. I've been super busy with the end of the semester and super busy with spending my weekends with the boy. Who's not a boy at all, but still. Time, is moving quickly. I graduate next Friday... yes, in 6 days to be exact. I'm excited. Then, I'm going to stay here and work until December... and then Europe! (YAY!) and then Seattle. So I'm excited. There's a plan.

Life has been a whirlwind of loving and hating my roommates, loving and hating this whole new friendship I have with the boy, and feeling incredibly better about myself. I'm actually looking forward to not taking classes for awhile, having to only worry about work from the time I'm in the office to the time I leave and that's it. I'm sure after about a month of full time work I will be sick and tired, but right now I'm looking forward to it. Actually, I hope I don't get tired of it at all.

Back to studying now.

Quick!

You know that point in your life... where if you hold really still, that things don't change and everything is great. For however long it lasts. Well, that's where I am right now. I'm holding it. Holding.... holding! Hoping this feeling will stay around for quite some time.

If all else fails, the impending graduation and move are always things to look forward to!

dreams

Lately, I feel as though my dreams are betraying me. The past week or so I have dreaded going to sleep, no matter how tired I've been because I know my dreams will only leave me tired, scared, depressed, or some other not so happy emotion when I wake up.

On top of the previous dreams, which I don't want to mention because one led to me waking up and crying hysterically in my bed, last night I had a dream about Rob. The Rob that I had forgotten about (maybe forgotten is a strong word, maybe shoved into the deepest corner of my mind is more appropriate). Either way, I haven't spoken to him in at least a month or so. Probably almost two or three now that I'm really thinking about it. And this has been fine with me, still is, but every once in awhile I get the urge to talk to him, to have some form of communication still open between us. But, I've been strong, and I haven't done it. And it doesn't really both me that much... I think of him as a bad habit, like smoking. Every once in awhile I'll REALLY crave a cigarette, but then, seeing as how I quit, I don't have any, and I only like to smoke the brand I smoked before, it subsides and then I go on with my regular, non-smoking life again.

That's how I feel about Rob. I get a craving to talk to him, and then it subsides and I'm better again. Instead of running to email him, I decided to write about it. I really don't need him in my life but every once in awhile I think about how much he makes me laugh... and then I think about how much he doesn't care about me at all. And yeah, somewhere in this brain of mine he'll always be, just because of that "first love" status he has, but he's not in the front of my mind anymore.

I don't see guys and instantly compare them to him, I don't see him as my only option anymore. He's not even the fall back option, and once I got over him being that, because I thought if I just held onto him, just in case that I'd always have that safety net. Screw safety nets, they only make you more afraid to be happy, live your life.

But... then I dream about him, and I feel like my conscious hours of not thinking about him are overshadowed by my dreams about him. What? Is there really nothing else I can dream about besides some guy who may have cared about me years ago but now couldn't care one way or the other? What happened to those mysterious stranger dreams I just to have, with this guy who loved me because I was so incredibly me, but I had no idea what he looked like/sounded like. I'll take those dreams, and I'll take my weird dreams back, but I can leave behind the horrific dreams.

I haven't been writing here because things have been going fairly well. Work is fine. School is fine. I have great friends. There isn't anything exciting happening, but I'd rather things be like this. Just the daily grind, uneventful. Because uneventful can be more exciting and fun than a ton of new things happening.

Oh yeah, and I graduate in a little over a month. Scary... but I think I'll be okay. I know I will be.

Woo! Optimism.

an update of sorts

I suppose I should be sleeping right now, especially seeing how I have to wake up in about 7 hours from now. The lack of sleepiness isn't keeping me up. I'm sure if I cleared all of the junk off my bed and laid down I'd be able to fall asleep fairly easily. But I can't, because I'm lonely. That's right folks, Marge is lonely. But that's not news.

News would be the movies I've seen in the past few days. I saw Secretary, which I am now contemplating buying because I loved it so much. Laura returned it today, which sucks horribly, because I really wanted to watch it again tonight. Which brings me to another point... of the fact that I am too nice to people, but that's alright. I also saw The Departed and Babel, which were both excellent movies. I loved The Departed, mainly because of my 10 year crush on Leo, but because he's grown so much as an actor. And the other actors... what are their names? Ha, they were amazing also. I wouldn't mind seeing that movie again. I also plan on watching more movies during Spring break next week. Woo hoo Blockbuster online.

So yeah... Spring break is super soon, which means nothing besides me working a 40 hour week. Which will be nice, because the extra money I had was taken today because I got towed... still angry about it, but oh well. At least I had the extra money and have an opportunity to get it back.

I'm going to Bonnarro this year, which I can not contain my excitement for. I just need to buy my ticket... which will happen fairly soon I hope. I'm getting a nice amount back from taxes which will go into the Bonnarro fund whenever I get it. So excited. So fuckin excited!
And somehow it is March already... it might as well be. And how did that happen? I am not sure. I want to graduate but then there's this whole indefinite period of waiting to see if I get into EarthCorps and then waiting to move to Seattle. In the mean time I'd just be working and waiting. I feel a little behind. Okay, so a lot behind... in life. But I'm excited! Really really excited. About life, even if at the end of the day I'm lonely.

Why hello little forgotten journal...

I'm not sure if my not writing in here is a good or bad thing. It's not as though I am so busy that I don't have the time. On the contrast, I've been doing a whole lot of wasting time, wasting money, wasting...

My life hasn't made some huge upturn to the better. In fact, I'm upset with myself for many of the life decisions I've made. But, I can't go back and change these things, regardless of how much I'd want to. And so is life... not being able to change the past and dealing with that and not letting that fact fuck up the future. The future... and that would be? All I know is that I graduate in the Spring... in April to be exact.

I'm trying to make the best of the time I have left. In Tallahassee. Being an undergraduate student.

I'm depressed... again. But this isn't new, so I don't really see the importance of it. But there, I admitted it. I make bad decisions... yes, I should have stayed with my Mom instead of moving into the apartment. I would have money saved up, I could move to Seattle right after graduation instead of having to wait until after July. I'm an idiot... this whole trying to live life for myself so I'll be happy is bullshit. Life doesn't work out that way. Life bites you in the ass... and that's it. That's the way things are. I feel so stupid. So completely stupid.

So I'm unhappy. And lonely. I, of course, feel as though I don't belong. Because I don't. And I put myself in this position. I feel so stupid. So stupid. So fucking stupid. But its okay. Because after I graduate I'll be working full time at work and I'll make extra money. And after I finish up the lease here (even though I'm not on a lease... ) I'll move back in with Mom and I'll save money until I find out if I got into EarthCorps or Americorps and I'll take life from there and try not to screw up again.

Lesson learned: Doing what you want isn't always going to make you happy.

So, back to studying. Which, I'm not doing enough of lately. Ah well, I'll be fine. I'm always fine in the end I guess.

time is not on my side

Its strange how the loneliness seems to creep up on you sometimes. One moment, you're happy, enjoying your day just as it is and then the next something happens, pictures of your friends who are about to be married, and you see how happy they are... together. How they work together as this unit now. And then it hits you... that you're alone, that you probably will be for a long time. Because of things that are and are not your fault.

I was losing weight, I was doing just fine on the diet... then someone who I would have been interested in showed interest in me... and that led me to doubting everything and turning my good work, my hard work on that diet back. I don't know how to deal with this. I am so afraid of a relationship, terrified. I'd rather not be in one then to be hurt that much again, but at the same time I know that not every relationship is as horrible as the one I had. Then I get scared because of other things, because I know that they're coming eventually and I don't know how to deal with that, so instead it is just easier to not get into one.

And, let's not forget about how I'm graduating... and have no direction, no ideal, no clue as to what I'm doing after this graduation. I've been just not thinking about it, but that doesn't work. That's scary, frightening. Maybe I should just go ahead and do teach america or americorps, at least that way I'd get money for my student loans and I would be doing something worthwhile. I need to decide on something.

Weekends should definitely be 3 days. I need one day to party, one day to rest, and one day to get shit done. Oh well... and now its 12:03 AM which means its Sunday. So much to do still... argh!

more for my benefit than for yours...

Things to do:

1. Work on portfolio
2. Read books off of the list Julianna gave me
3. Seriously look into grad schools
4. Start GRE prep
5. Save as much money as possible
6. Try not to go crazy before graduation
   

the one where she's happy and reflects about things

Winter break wasn't as boring as I tried to make it out in my last post. I was just really bored then, when I wrote it. Of course, the break isn't over yet, but it might as well be. I'm back to work now and tomorrow I go and talk to my advisor to make sure everything is squared away for graduation and to the bookstore to buy my books and a GRE prep book. I've decided to go ahead and take it because I will eventually be going to grad school and the ones I've been looking at all want you to have it. I guess no strictly art school for me, but I'm okay with that. I should be finished with grad school in 2010 if I start in 2008, but I'm not rushing it. I just know that I'm not starting in fall.

I'm excited about the coming year. I'm exciting about the classes I'm taking, feeling better about myself and finally getting rid of weight I should have never gained. But I did... my fault for quitting track and then not doing any sort of physical exercise... but now I'm taking care of it. Better now than never. And it really is doing wonders for my self esteem, self image... all of those selfish things. I even got hit on the other night... kinda, but that's a story for some other night, maybe a drunken night.

I've gotten back into knitting and quilting, yes I am 70 years old, but it has been good for me to get back to something like those. Something to keep me occupied. I've decided I'm going to make a quilt for my sister and my future brother-in-law for their wedding present... something about them. I know my sister will like it.

I've also been thinking about moving things around in my room at the apartment, although I haven't decided what where yet. I think I'll do that Friday or Saturday... maybe? Either way, I'm excited about this semester and I'm determined to make the best of it. I will never be in this place or this time again... so I have tomkae the most of it.

I also think this good mood is due to the fact that I've been reading again, something that always makes me feel better. Heh. And I've been thinking up really good story ideas. And the Seattle move is making me super excited. I'm aiming on August or September now, but we'll have to see what Meg can do also.