6:05 p.m. Thursday.

I have been reading one of the most amazing books, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. This book makes me want to write... and that's always a good thing. That and watching insane amounts of TV and eating have been my vacation. Eating has taken over my life but in a good way. I have to eat every 2 to 3 hours because I'm doing the 6 week body makeover... which is working, btw, but I have to eat constantly... and drink insane amounts of water.

Life is boring and lonely. My mom works and I'm not working right now because there's nothingto do at the office so I'm here all day. I go walking and watch TV and read. I am so bored. I want school and work to start again. Now?

Also, I'm looking into the details of moving to Seattle. Where to live... which grad schools to apply to, how much all of this is going to cost.

So bored... so very bored.

This morning when I went on post secret I saw a post card that I completely agreed with. "I think Christmas SUCKS in Florida!" is the one I'm talking about because it does. I miss the snow, I miss ice and icicles and wind and cold. Christmas doesn't seem the same where I can go outside in shorts and a t-shirt and be fine. You can't listen to White Christmas and think about sitting by the fire, or going sledding if there are rose bushes blooming in your back yard (which there are at my mom's house and I have made a mental note to take pictures before I go back to the apartment).

Either way, Christmas is just weird now. I watched Garden State the other day and there's the scene where they're in the bathtub and Large is talking about home... "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone." Well that's how I feel. So holidays are weird because while yes, I call this place home, it is not the home that appears in my dreams or the home that I first recall when I think of the place 'home'. I suppose it is all part of growing up, but its a scary feeling.

It's raining tonight, hard noisy rain that echoes on the roof and the skylights, that falls from the back porch so I can hear it trying to reach out to me, tell me something. When I was in the shower earlier I heard the rain on the roof and the skylight and it sounded like voices singing. The rain makes me want to write.

I've been thinking of new story ideas, some that are good, others that are painfully bad. It doesn't mater though, every story I attempt to write ends up being about him. I don't know if I mentioned the cookies that I made for his birthday here, but I made him cookies. I sent him cookies and a card for his birthday back in December. And I haven't really talked to him since then, even really before then. He's been distant, and I want to chalk it up to another one of our distant periods in our weird relationship, but I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I always feel as though I should give him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to things just because. And right now I feel as though I should just give up on him and move on... or try to, again, for the 45th time. But it doesn't work. In the end he shows a bit of interest which I take for a genuine interest and then he disappears to reappear because I'm always there, because he's always there, in the back of my god damn mind. Waiting.

Right now I feel like killing myself, then I'd definitely get over him. Certainly, or would I be doomed to hell and hell would be just like this, talking to him for a day and then nothing for eternities but I still hold onto that small string of hope that he gives me because I'm me and for whatever reason I'm still in love with him. Or maybe no, maybe I'm not in love with him, maybe it is simply the fact that he does show interest and since this does not happen with any other guy besides rob (unless we're talking drunk guy's here, which we aren't). How can I feel better about myself with this going on? How can I get myself to be happy all of the time... the majority of the time when I'm thinking about him. I hate him, at times like this, right now I really hate him.

So, no. I don't know what to do. Because not talking to him doesn't work and attempting to talk to him doesn't work so what am I left with? Possibly, just possibly if I could erase him from my memory... but I can't.

I don't know what the answer is when the question is rob, because there doesn't seem to be an answer. Either way, whatever I do, I always end up here.

I wish I had a river...

For some reason, Christmas makes me want to listen to Joni Mitchell. Maybe because I too wish I had a river I could skate away on. And right now, listening to the song it rings true. Either way, this doesn't feel like Christmas. There isn't any snow, of course, this does happen to be Florida, but it seems to be more than just that this year. Maybe my upcoming graduation is really affecting me more than I think it is. Maybe its the fact that I'm growing up and things will never be the same again. Maybe its the fact that I feel old and everyone around me is just making me feel older and older.

April is going to come faster than I expect, just like the end of this year did. I still don't have a clue what I'm doing after graduation... except my crazy idea to move to Seattle. Yes, it is possible, so I shouldn't second guess myself if it is really what I want to do. But I don't know if it is what I want to do. I feel like its all geography. Boston, yes I'd love to move to Boston also, but Boston is close to CT whereas Seattle is on the other side of the world basically, it might as well be, and its as far from CT as I can get. Or there's also good ol' San Fran... I would definitely wear flowers in my hair. :)

So, I feel like I have this whole wide open space after April 28th. Whatever shall I do?

sleep to dream

For a number of years now I haven't been able to sleep well. Tossing and turning and then if I can fall asleep I have weird dreams. Very weird. Other times, I fall asleep with the aide of various toxins and those are the best sleeps. But then, in the morning, if its a weekday I have to wake up before I want to get out of bed. If its the weekend, then I do not get to linger in bed like I want. Instead, I wake up way too early and am anxious to not lay in bed all day. Laying in bed by yourself isn't much fun anyway. So, I usually only go to sleep when I have to, when I'm about to pass out because for some strange reason, my body thinks it needs to sleep. Sheesh, silly body.

I have a final on Wednesday that I was studying for earlier and tomorrow is devoted to studying. I decided to take off work so I could study as much as possible before my early (7:30 a.m.) final on Wednesday.

But. I can't fall asleep. I want to. Sometimes, however, I wish I could reprogram my body to not need sleep at all, because it feels like a waste of time sometimes.

So, here's to weird dreams in a few hours. I do hope your dreams aren't as scattered and crazy as mine.

Birthday

So, today is my 22nd birthday. That seems so old. Twenty-two. That is beyond 21, so beyond feeling like a kid now. Wow. 22 is the age I will be when I graduate. I've had fun this weekend. Party on Friday where I made out with a hot boy... heh. Saturday fun with Anna, then P&P/Christmas/Birthday with Sean, Meg, Karin, and Bill, and then one of my favorite movies, Forget Paris, which I fell asleep during. This morning the rest of Forget Paris, a birthday wish from my favorite boy, Facebook birthday wishes, and then lunch with Jamie and Emilie and then dinner with the family. Tonight Intervention with the group. So, overall, a very very very fun birthday.

I feel so overwhelmingly loved that it almost makes me want to cry. I feel appreciated and loved and just generally great and warm and fuzzy inside. I wish I could feel like this every day and I really hope that I can feel like this everyday. That's my goal for the coming year, to feel this happy, this generally happy as much as possible. And to lose weight and eat better and live a better life. So, I welcome my 22nd year with open arms and hope that it is everything I can make it.

And to you, whoever stumbles across this small little dot in the huge universe, I love you too.

up early for a college student, late for everyone else

I thought it was appropriate to start writing now, while I'm listening to Jack Johnson: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing and I'm sitting on my floor, waiting for roommates to wake up so we can go eat, and wishing... well I'm always wishing. I started cleaning up my room and even thought of throwing in a load of laundry, but alas, I forgot that I left my computer fully on, signed into messaging services and all, and the beeping of new message drew me away from my goal. Damnit. Eh, I have all day before I have to at least start studying for my final.

The end of the fall semester apparently means that I get to make out with someone. Because that's what happened last year and that happened last night also. Funny story, really, but that would be too much information. And I am not about that at all.

I do joy the fact that I'm hangover free this morning. That is always a plus.

my first and last time

So... I went to dinner with my friends Jaime and Emilie. After dinner, Jaime decided she wanted to die her hair blonde. She's a light brown. Emilie had homework to do, so me, being what great friend I am, said I would after she asked.

You know how you hear stories about people having spotted hair? Yeah, that's what happened.

I told her repeatedly that I'd never dyed anyone's hair before... so she wasn't mad. But tomorrow she has to go to a real salon.

Ekk.

And so ends the story of the first and last time I helped someone dye their hair.

eerie feelings and pulling all nighters

Ever feel like you're forgetting to do something really really REALLY important? Yeah, that's how I've been feeling all day and even after I realized I forgot to pick up my Santa hat from my mom's when I was over there I still have this eerie feeling that I'm forgetting something. Hmmm...

Well, I should stop stalling and study for my test tomorrow and read for class tomorrow also.

So basically, this sums up just about everything.

Conversation with Tuan earlier today:

[01:23] me: tuan, can i just say you i really appreciate your friendship? because i really do. i mean you let me bitch and moan and complain to you all of the time when we both know that i just need to get my ass in gear and i feel fine

[01:24] me: i always have these epiphanies when i go walking... so i really do think i should go walking more than every other day. so i'm fine, and i don't think that my life is a series of bad with good splattered, it has to be the other way around or otherwise i would have really given up on it years ago.

[01:25] me: its just my situation. i'm tired of being in tallahassee, in school, around people i don't really enjoy being around. i just need a change of scenery, and that will come soon enough.

[01:27] me: and the whole rob thing is either going to happen or its not but we need to meet to decide what's really going on. and that's going to either happen this month or in january or february. because if he doesn't come down here because he can't get off work then i'll just go up there because i can get off work whenever i need to and my schedule next semester will also have fridays off. i think. but either way me thinking about it and us deciding that we aren't going to talk about it until we meet means that we just have to meet.

[01:28] me: :) and you aren't there right now... lmao. but i like the fact that i can ramble to you in messages and be alright with it.

[01:28] tuan: (:

[01:28] tuan: was watching a bad movie, but i stopped to read your messages

[01:29] me: :)

[01:29] tuan: i like that you can totally figure yourself out.

[01:29] tuan: not many people can!

Now, if only I can remember all of that when stuff starts to get sticky.

At home... alone on Saturday night. Yeah, I'm a big fat loser. I hate my life.

Somehow it's December 2nd already. December? 2nd? This seems absolutely crazy to me. In 8 days its my birthday and a few days after that I'm finished with my last Fall semester at Florida State. The football season came and went... very poorly, I might add.

And I appear to be in the same exact spot with Rob as I was last year this time. I would love for something to be different, I keep trying to keep the voice in the back of my head going that says, "hey, he might just surprise you." quiet because if he did surprise me it would be a miracle. I baked him cookies that should get there by Tuesday.

I guess we'll go from there. Again.

Back again

Somehow... I always end up here again.

I guess because all other options have run out. Again. And so is the story of my life.