a canoe, a desert, a mocha, and you

Four... almost five months have pasted since I last wrote. Although I want to say that so much has happened, I stop myself before I honestly say it. Things have happened, yes, but not more than I thought would. It is somewhat funny, or so I think, that Craig and I are still in this canoe, but now we have paddles and are going in circles. We did a lot of circling the past few months. There's someone else in the boat. Or maybe he's in a canoe next to us, but either way the fog started to clear and it revealed another man. Another man that Craig loves. I keep saying silly little mantras, to try to get this all into my head. Craig is in love with a man, this man loves Craig. Craig loves me... and I love him. So where does that lead us? So there's fog, but there's someone else in the boat, or near. Blah blah blah.

I could be anywhere come September. Idaho, Utah, California, Arizona, Florida. I am in the midst of resumes, cover letters, lists of references, applications. Well, honestly I am trying to be in the midst of all of these things but the damn interwebs with their free TV and books of faces with silly games are quite distracting. I have a deadline, however. I leave for New Jersey next week, a week from today in fact. This time next week I will be in the air or in an airport going East! I can't wait! So I'd like to have all of my stuff finished before I leave. That's the plan.

I have been very lonely since last Tuesday. Now that Craig is in New Jersey (which, by the way doesn't have anything to do with why I am going to Jersey) and the rest of my good friends are gone, I don't really have anyone to hang out with. I have been hanging out with Schroeder here and there, but driving down to Palm Springs costs a pretty penny when done more than once a week.

Michael and I aren't really best friends anymore. I realized this after last week when I was trying to get a hold of him and just couldn't. All of this love stuff between me and him... him being in love with me, me possibly being in love with him, him being in love with Liz... has complicated things. He was avoiding me... well he was avoiding everyone, but me specifically because he wasn't sure how to tell me that things with Liz were going better. So, I've lost my best friend. Karin and I hardly ever talk. So there's Craig... who's no longer here... and working all of the time and fucked up in the head.

I am in holding pattern. Simply waiting for New Jersey, waiting for my sister to proofread cover letters and short essay answers so I can submit applications. Waiting to figure out what I'll be doing for the next few months. And then after that... well actually I am okay with just figuring out life until the New Year. 2010. Sounds like some sci-fi film or book. I suppose that is how people felt about the book 1984, and Prince's 1999 song. Only 4 more years until the world ends anyway, so I better enjoy it while I can.

I just want someone to think I'm beautiful in my cookie pants

Almost a month has gone by since my last post. Time goes by quickly. Either way, here I am again. My insecurities are getting the best of me tonight. There are many things to explain but I don't feel like going over it. In short: Craig and I are seeing each other, we're dating, we're involved, he's my boyfriend, etc. etc. etc. But I am scared. I am waiting for the ground to fall out from underneath me. Whatever this is, I don't want to think about it. It is somewhat insane, since neither one of us knows where we'll be in August. But right now, right now I am content. Right now in the general sense, not right now as I type this. But as my friend Bill said the other day, right now is all I have. So we are giving it a go, this whole 'us' thing that is occurring. I'm stoked about it, but I am also afraid. And he knows this and is being amazing. So we are riding this train and right now the path is still foggy. Craig gave this great canoe, with the paddles in the water, and a fog surrounding us analogy. The sun will burn off the fog and we will have to see what is ahead of us. Eventually. Right now we are enjoying the breeze on the lake, or ocean, or river, or pond in the midst of a giant whirlpool.

I am just insecure right now, but I shouldn't be. He was honest, he was forth coming, he cared enough and respected me enough to talk about it. So there isn't anything for me to worry about. I just have to not think so much. There in lies the problem. Over thinking. I want to be confident that what he says is true. But I am scared. And he knows this.

Otherwise, I am wasting time until my days off. Wasting time until he gets back in town. Wasting time. Then May comes and probably before May we will have to address what's outside the fog. But right now, right now the fog is fine.

Blah blah blah. Maybe I am at a disadvantage because he is part of the reason I am here now. To see how things go when we give it a go. So my being out here, despite my unhappiness with the job, is worth it. However it turns out. Because I'm a jumper, it is what I do, and I either land on my face or my feet, or maybe a bit on my knees with one hand down. Maybe he'll be at the bottom to catch that one hand and help me up.

I miss writing. Like writing stories. I haven't written anything really good in quite awhile. That should change, but we'll see. Hopefully sleep won't take too long to come tonight, I'm not sure I could take it if it could.

I am...

I have nothing of importance to write about. I have nothing new or exciting or fun going on. I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely after having someone to sleep next to for the past week. I am restless. I am filled with wanderlust and dread. I am upset with myself. I am trapped. I am trapping myself. I am stupidly doing things I know I shouldn't. I am a wreck. I am lazy and fat. I am self deprecating. I am self destructive. I am involved with Craig again and we don't think it is going anywhere because of our mutual open futures. I am trying to be okay with this because I see it as clearly as ever. I am trying to protect myself. I am trying. I am not very good at anything anymore. I am avoiding and it sucks. Blah.

I feel better after talking to Mike. He isn't in love with me. Which is fine. It was a nice idea that someone that knows me as well as he does could love me, but no. It did feel nice to have him say the things he did to me, but they were under the influence of hallucinogens. Oh well. So it goes. Now I move onward. So I'm not losing him as a friend, but I might for a very short while as he beats himself up for saying what he did. Which he knows he doesn't feel that way. I think I actually feel better that he isn't in love with me, because that is scary. This way, I'm not gaining a boyfriend... something that I honestly think I don't need right now. I think I need to get happy with myself, gain some confidence, get into my own skin before I try to get next to someone else's. Focus on myself, not on someone else.

So I feel better, after talking to him about yesterday and last week. That is why he is my best friend, I can talk to him about anything and feel better in the end. So now I will, as I always do after getting advice from Mike, figure out what to take with a grain of salt and what to take to heart.

I'm nervous about hanging out socially with the people from work again. Tomorrow is one of our friend's birthdays and our Friday at work so he's going to have a party at his house. I figure B&W will be there and that will be my first social interaction with them as a couple. I will not make a fool of myself. I will have fun and not get too drunk. Everything will be fine. Right? Right.

Also, I feel motivated to get off my ass and do things. So I'm working on my mix and hoping to send it out today along with my sister and brother-in-law's birthday presents. I need to clean up. Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to be okay, I'll be just alright.

Yesterday was a hell of a day. I had a panic attack, or something like it, while bouldering yesterday. We did a really hard hike up a wash, which was mainly bouldering on huge boulders, jumping and climbing from one to another. I've done this sort of things before, I'd even say I like doing it on a small scale. But for some reason, yesterday I freaked. It was really hard, harder than I'd ever done before and we were pretty high up. I had possibly one of the worst days of my life yesterday and I am physically and mentally exhausted. My back, knees, shins, hands, and arms are sore. Mentally I am numb. I am already normally slow with bouldering, but yesterday I was even slower because it was even harder. We got back to the car just before dark and then got the Tahoe stuck as we were leaving. Really? So we got back around 7:30 last night.

So I think this whole experience, we being weak, being the last one, the slow one, the one that just can't handle it and ends up breaking down is something that I might not be able to get over. Ever. It might just be a character flaw that I can't let go of. Hopefully, I can work through this, really commit to getting in better shape. I'm 24, I shouldn't still feel like I'm 13, but yesterday I did. I hope there are parts of me that are the same, but these things, my mental, emotional, physical weaknesses, I wish I coudl conquer them somehow. I hope I can really get over this now. Like starting today or whenever I start to feel better.

Mike still isn't talking to me. He said he can't handle talking right now but damnit, I need him right now. Just as my best friend, forgetting everything that was said last week. I feel as though I am losing him, just like I lost Andrew. Maybe life is just about losing people, I feel like I've lost so many. But possibly, my problem is that I care more about people than they care about me, so losing me isn't as big of a deal.

I hope I'm not losing my best friend. It kind of feels that way right now. Things get complicated, by our own hands or by others but right now I am living off Mike's recent confession that he's in love with me. But he was on mushrooms, so maybe not everything he said he really feels. So I have no idea where we stand right now but I feel insecure and scared. I don't want to lose my best friend, but I feel as though it is already happening. As though he's slipping away because you can't very well talk to your best friend about being in love with them, or not and just being out of your head and letting it come out. So I feel distanced from him and that's not really what I need right now. So what do I do? Do I give him some space, let him clear out his head, resolve his head and heart discrepancies and just let him contact me when ready? Do I back off and just let it go? I think I need to just back away, but I always want my best friend. So how do I combine these two things? I have no idea. Either way, I'm going to not be sad today, or I'll try to at least.

Of Minerals and Men

This weekend I went to a gem show. That's right, I get more hippy everyday. I like it that way. So, there is this town in Arizona, Quartzsite where people go to have this kind of semi permanent gem show. They sell jewelry, antiques, rocks, gems, minerals, crystals... you get the deal. Its this weird combination of snow birds and hippies. So we immersed ourselves in this community. I met some interesting people. It was a weird experience that I am still piecing back together but so much good came out of it. I'm piecing back together the very real experience I had that very short time, which seemed much longer, and the me that wants to analyze everything. Right now, I don't want to analyze anything. I just want to experience and accept and talk and laugh and play and stay up all night to watch the sun rise and the sky change.

I met one guy, Wade, who'd gotten into napping (stones... making arrowheads) and decided to take a month and go to this place where some of the best nappers in the country would be. Wow. I'm inspired. We stayed up all night and watched the sun come up. He gave me an arrowhead when we left, one that he'd made the day before. I think the gravity of this gesture speaks for itself. I was holding it the entire car ride home and it became so light, almost like part of my hand. I forgot it was in there and I dropped and broke it when I got home. Jami is going to wire wrap it for me after I glue it back together since it only broke into 3 pieces.

I feel so much better after leaving and going to experience something more. There is so much I left out but there's too much to type and explain. So I leave it up to being exactly what I needed.

small town life

I'm not living some glamorous, flashy life in a big city. By glamorous and flashy I of course mean going out to bars, walking down city blocks with groups of friends, going to concerts... even concerts of little known bands playing in small, empty clubs, small, crowded places with low lights and interesting characters. Sometimes, I can imagine myself in that life. Meeting and dating guys, going through seasons in a place that has more concrete than green lawns or pale, dusty dirt. Even Tallahassee, with its bars and hang outs. But right now, I am living in a place with a few bars, most of them not great. Not any that I can walk to. The one cool bar is out in the middle of nowhere, quite literally, it is a drive to get up there. I think that is just a sign of this place. I like it, but I don't love it. Hanging out at people's houses is nice, but more and more I want to go hang out at a bar, or a good restaurant, instead of someone's house. Tonight, and the past few weeks, I have been having that feeling. Especially after hanging out in Palm Springs for awhile. I miss meeting new people, as crazy as that sounds from someone who is more introverted than anything else. I just feel stagnant in my social life right now. Small towns such as these, I have learned, are not where I want to be. Everyone knows everyone, therefore everyone knows everyone's business. Not fun. So it goes.

Tonight I'm going to a pot luck, with people I work with and hang out with ALL OF THE TIME. Seriously, having friends at work and hanging out with people that you work with ALL OF THE TIME is not ideal. At least not for me. It is different than being on a crew and living and working with people and that is your community. That is your life. But this, this office work with the gossip and the talk and the inbreeding/inter dating... my god. I'm tired of it. Almost four months in and I have learned that I need a town bigger than this one.

We shall see what I decide about tomorrow. Some people are going to a gem show. Some are camping, possibly one is not. It would be nice to not camp and just go for the day. It would also be nice to go hiking and see a movie and then hang out with John and friends in Palm Springs. But, I think I need to back off on that front. We are friends and that is nice, but he has this life separate from work. Which is kind of what I'm getting at I think. I need a life separate from work. One with people that I hang out with that I don't also work with and hang out with every single weekend.

Maybe I'll find something good to do this weekend. Maybe I'll be spontaneous and go somewhere. Maybe maybe maybe. No more holding myself back.

So it goes.

I have gotten into the habit of taking unusually long showers, hot hot hot water, almost to the point where I can't stand it. I think I am trying to wash away this funk, to rinse out myself and be able to feel normal again. So far, it hasn't worked.

Recently, I have been finding/ being introduced to a bunch of artists. The Airborne Toxic Event is one band that I love right now. I think the whole introduction to them, their lyrics, their music.. all of it is just perfect for me right now. The perfect band for this time in my life.

"I'm trying madly to calm these nerves with something new"... and that is what I've been trying to do.

Also, Bon Iver... which has this eerie, resonating, haunting sound. Very fitting for their name, "Good Winter"... bon hiver, but the h was dropped. It almost reminds me of something that should be sung by people wearing hideous robes in a church. Almost.

I had an interview this morning over the phone for a crew leading position over the summer. We'll see in a week or so if I got it. It was an interesting interview to say the least, good but as I'm so self conscious right now, I don't want to give myself too much hope just yet.

I had a good conversation last night with Blom. I had a good chat this morning with Stew. Tomorrow I think I will talk to Anna and Emilie. I had wanted to go hiking today, but then started cleaning the apartment (not yet done... urg), and started on a mix for a friend's birthday in a few days... well a week or so. Already January is flying by. Thus time moves, slowly and quickly and fluidly and with halts and stops and speed bumps. So it goes.

I need some time away from here. I need to regroup with people I love and am comfortable around. So I'm working on that. I need to rebuild my confidence. So a vacation is being planned. Hopefully sooner than later. I'm thinking that by February I should be able to buy a plane ticket to Florida. We shall see.

So it goes. I have been creatively wasting the day away. There's a pot luck tonight, but I'm uncertain as to whether or not I'm going to go. I have been excluding myself from events because of the awkwardness/discomfort I feel.

Blah blah blah.